When Pope Urban VI took over at Ohio State, it simplified the lives of many Michigan fans, who could now despise both the school and the coach in one central location. A by-product of the convenience was the hilarious comedy routine Urban VI had delivered the previous year, during which he crisscrossed the country as an espn analyst, gaining intelligence on other programs while spouting platitudes about wanting to “spend more time” with his family.
To its continued discredit, espn handled Urban VI gently, refusing to break the news of his accepting the OSU job and never once mentioning his many missteps at Florida, like how many of his players had been arrested or his propensity for running up the score.
Earlier this week, Urban VI issued a press conference bull that declared what many fans and media members have known for more than a decade: the BCS is sham. Urban VI described it as an “imperfect system”, a reasonable declaration by someone whose undefeated team can’t get within a mile of the BCS title game without nine other teams’ losing first. One gets the impression that the collection of aged voters, hidden-agenda coaches and superhero-loving computer geeks would rather put just about anybody in the big game but the Buckeyes. You can’t blame them. The Buckeyes play in the Big Ten, which is as powerful lately as the mayor of Toronto. And Ohio State’s non-conference schedule included School of Rock, the College of Cardinals and Harrison University. Despite its 25-game winning streak, OSU doesn’t look like it stacks up too well with Alabama, Florida State, Baylor or Barbizon School of Modeling.
Thus Urban VI’s frustration.
You may find this hard to believe, but El Hombre is right there next to Urban VI – except when he gets excommunicated. Then the poor bastard is on his own. The BCS isn’t just imperfect; it’s an absolute disaster. And the hilarious part is that the college football media has lapped up the press releases and interview opportunities with the members of the new four-team “playoff” selection committee, who are likely to engage in much of the same ridiculous behavior that has characterized the BCS during its heinous existence.
The good news is that something better is coming. You can bet on that. After a couple years of seeing just how much cash is available from salivating networks, the post-season field will grow from four to eight teams, assuring a real playoff, instead of this ersatz competition being foisted upon the sport now. From there, it will be easy to expand to 12 or even 16 teams, although there is no need for a full, four-round system, since there is no way that Fresno State or Northern Illinois – ranked 15 and 16 in the current BCS poll – is going to win the national title. Twelve would be a good number. That way, the top four schools get byes.
El Hombre knows that there are those of you out there who will consider a playoff a disgusting assault on the bowl system. Were this 1978, EH would be in lock step with you. But the bowls have been ruined by expansion – four bowls debut next year, including the Bahamas Bowl(!), making about 67% of all teams eligible for post-season play – TV greed and conference realignment. The current system is the sporting equivalent of Joan Rivers’ face: It’s practically impossible to recognize its original version. Were we still able to enjoy a New Year’s Day feast of the Cotton, Rose, Sugar and Orange Bowls, a playoff would be abhorrent. We’re not, so it’s okay.
There are those who doubt that the four-team tournament will expand, simply because the remaining members of the BCS cartel who have joined up with the “playoff” crew insist that four is the limit. Believing them is like taking former Soviet officials’ proclamations seriously. As soon as more zeroes start showing up in proposals from TV networks, the strict adherence to the quartet model will disappear. By 2020, expansion will have taken hold or will have been announced. Count on it.
Until then, fans must endure the end of the BCS era and the attendant misty-eyed looks back by sycophantic propaganda partners. They’ll be assaulted by weeks of espn promotion that refuses to consider that the formula didn’t work. And in the end, the college football world will probably watch Nick Saban win his fourth title at Alabama, unless Auburn has an Iron Bowl surprise cooked up for the Tide next Saturday. Moments after the final gun, Saban will return to his office and begin berating players in preparation for the 2014 season.
Meanwhile, in Columbus, Urban VI will continue to protest the system that helped him get his job at Florida. (Do you really think Utah would have ended up in the 2005 Fiesta Bowl and trampled an undeserving Pitt team without the BCS?) He’ll stick pins in dolls wearing Baylor and FSU uniforms. Maybe he’ll get lucky, and his Buckeyes will find their way to the final game.
And lose to ‘Bama by 25.
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EL HOMBRE SEZ: Doyle Wolverton, who has coached for 38 years at Leake Academy in Madden, MS, and is the second-winningest girls basketball coach of all time, has resigned after being accused of biting a player who made a mistake during a game. All of a sudden, Bob Knight doesn’t look so bad. Guess that off-season clinic at the Mike Tyson Coaching Academy wasn’t such a good idea…San Francisco 49ers safety Donte Whitner will change his name legally to Donte Hitner after the season to celebrate his hard-charging style of play. Nothing about that sounds bad, does it? In a related story, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is changing his name to Roger Stalin…Lakers guard Steve Nash is considering a mid-season retirement. Sources report that he got the idea from the 1-12 Jazz, all of whose players retired before the season…Former NBA player and full-time madman Dennis Rodman is launching a new liquor brand, Bad Ass Vodka. The Worm thinks it would be a great idea for Barack Obama to toast North Korean president and Rodman’s “friend for life” Kim Jong Unbelievably Crazy in a pursuit of peace. It’s a great idea, once Kim Jong gets that pesky totalitarian philosophy and heinous human rights record cleaned up. One has to wonder whether Rodman is selling or just drinking his product…There was some big hot stove news Wednesday. Texas traded second baseman Ian Kinsler to Detroit for Thanksgiving Day parade float Prince Fielder and some barbecue sauce to be named later.
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YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? The Phillies’ decisions to sign 36-year old Marlon Byrd and Carlos Ruiz, who turns 35 in January, prove that the team has been operating with little or no plan for the future. Adding two aging players to a starting lineup that already includes creaking Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley and Ryan Howard is stopgap GM behavior, at best. The 2014 Phillies are going to be like one of those oldies shows the Geator stages, when remaining members of the Chi-Lites, Ides of March and Delfonics convene to play a couple hits and compare medical procedures. The team’s few young players will have to make sure they don’t drink out of the water jug that contains the Metamucil, or they’ll learn a whole new meaning to the term, “running game”. The Phillies have millions committed to decaying players, all courtesy of Ruben Amaro, and could well be the only team in baseball that has to offer Medigap plans to its players. Get your tickets now!
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AND ANOTHER THING: It’s easy to take shots at Alex Rodriguez in his battle with Majoke League Baseball and commissioner Bud Sellout. He’s smug and overpaid. Rodriguez is an admitted steroid cheat, and he is fighting the latest allegations against him with a battalion of lawyers, whereas others who were suspended last year went quietly into exile and returned (for the most part) contrite. So, fire away at Rodriguez, who wants us to believe that nothing stronger than Wheaties has fueled the latest – and largely disappointing – chapter of his career. Don’t forget to direct some vitriol at Sellout and the MLB. All of a sudden they are all about law and order after spending more than a decade allowing rampant use of performance enhancing drugs to taint the game. The recent suspensions came not as a result of the league’s drug-testing program, which can’t be too stringent if the cheaters in question didn’t provide positive samples, but due to some dumb luck and good follow through regarding Biogenesis. This is a classic bonfire of the vanities, and rooting for either side is a mistake. All it does is make it more and more difficult to believe that the game is clean. It’s easy to pillory Rodriguez, but he’s not the only villain in this tale.
-EH-
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