GETTING OUT WHILE THE GETTING'S GOOD

If NBA commissioner Uncle David Stern had even the smallest sense of humor, he would have walked out for one of the picks in last year’s NBA Draft – his last as a commissioner – wearing an oversized hunter’s cap and carrying a rifle. He would have tiptoed up to the microphone and said, “Be ve-wy qwiet. I’m hunting wabbits.” Then, he would have announced the next selection in perhaps the most disastrous Draft in history.

“With the eweventh pick in the 2013 NBA Dwaft, the Orwando Magic sewect Humpty Dumpty, center, fwom Ukwaine.”

Alas, Stern rides out of NBAtown on Feb. 1, 2014, 30 years to the day that he took over the job. He is perhaps the greatest commissioner in American sports history and is responsible for remarkable growth in popularity and revenue of the world’s most important professional basketball league. He presided over the creation and nurturing of the star system, in which big names were promoted ahead of the teams for which they played, and helped open the global market with the unleashing of the Dream Team in 1992. Without Stern, we would not have had Dirk Nowitzki or Yao Ming. We wouldn’t have had Pavel Podkolzin or Nikoloz Tskitishvili, either. But there is always some collateral damage when people think big.

Yes, Stern accomplished a lot, and he will be turning things over to Adam Silver, who is said to think just like Stern, even if Silver looks like that really tall elf on “Rudolf”. If you ask El Hombre, Stern is getting out at the right time. The NBA may have robust TV contracts and can hawk T-wolves merchandise in Guangdong Province, but the play on the court is bad and getting worse. No matter how strenuously the league’s propaganda partners promote “The Association”, there is no escaping the fact that the product is experiencing some serious quality control problems.

Take the Eastern Conference…please. As of Thursday morning, there were two (2!) teams with winning records among the 15 in the three divisions. Things are so bad that the Washington Generals would be a four seed in the playoffs, and the bottom two squads are candidates for relegation to the Missouri Valley Conference.

It’s bad in the East but nowhere is it worse than in the Big Apple, where the Knicks and the Nets are waging a big-money race to the graveyard. Things are so bad in Broke-lyn that coach Jason Kidd’s best move all season came when he faked spilling a soda to get a timeout during a game last week. The problem was that he spoke to his team during the stoppage, thereby negating any advantage the Nets had gained by the chicanery. Team owner Mikhail Prokhorov selected Kidd to lead his luxury tax-strapped team, despite Kidd’s zero experience as an NBA coach. With decisions like that, one has to wonder how the big Russian became a billionaire. Oh, yeah, that’s right: the giddy days after the fall of the Soviet Union, when Jack Sparrow and Blackbeard would have seemed like altar boys.

While the Nets stink it up in the outskirts, the Knicks have flat quit in Gotham. Owner James Dolan is making all sorts of threats, but the fact remains that his people have populated the roster with a collection of hounds, led by CarMElo Anthony, whose selfishness makes Veruca Salt look like a philanthropist. It’s amazing to think that some team is going to bestow $20-25 million/year on him after this season.

And therein lies the problem. As long as media sycophants regard serial gunners like him as stars, the NBA will continue its slide into oblivion. The new players are better suited for the decathlon than the basketball court, and while everybody is waiting for the 2014 Draft to flood the league with a collection of saviors, the fact remains that the crop – while filled with potential – could be more hype than anything else. But that hasn’t stopped a third of the league from throwing away this season in the hopes of landing a superstar capable of transforming them from tomato cans to contenders.

Meanwhile, the big names (Mamba Bryant, Tim Duncan, Dirk Nowitzki, Paul Pierce) are getting older, and those charged with replacing them aren’t nearly as good. No matter how hard TV partners and advertisers work to convince fans that the new generation is worthy, eventually people are going to realize that it isn’t and that the quality of the game has suffered considerably. By that time, Stern will be sitting on a veranda somewhere with Bud Sellout and Paul Tagliabue, holding forth about how he was part of the scam that convinced everyone that Michael Jordan really wanted to play baseball. At some point in his story, the cell phone will buzz. Silver will be on the line, asking for advice. Stern will smile and choose the “dismiss” option.

You’re on your own, kid. Best of luck.

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EL HOMBRE SEZ: So the Spurs-Timberwolves game in Mexico City was postponed last night because of a nearby generator fire that made the arena unfit for athletic competition. El Hombre didn’t know Roger Goodell had anything to do with the NBA, too…Speaking of Commissioner for Life Goodell, the $100,000 fine for Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, in the wake of his wild ride onto the field last Thursday night is okay, but taking away draft picks or dropping Pittsburgh in the order is silly. Tomlin’s actions did not change the outcome of the game and making him pay 100 large for his transgression is penalty enough. Don’t go overboard on this one, Commandante…School district officials in Manassas, VA are unapologetic about digging up a cemetery that dates back to the mid-1800s to make room for a new athletic complex that will include a football field. Citing redesign costs, the school refused to let the dead rest. They did, however, offer them season tickets in perpetuity…LeBron James is scheduled to star in a feature film with Kevin Hart. Hart plays a man who lives in the shadow of his basketball star brother (James) and uses a weekend at a fantasy camp to prove himself hoop-worthy. An NBA star in a movie? What could possibly go wrong? Kazaam, that’s what!...So, Robinson Cano started his free agent wrangling by saying he wanted $300 million. Now, he’s down to $200 mil, with the Mariners his only real suitor. Meanwhile, the Yankees are spending money on other players and might not have the appetite to go deep on Cano. Could it be that fiscal sanity is invading Majoke League Baseball? Naaahhhhh. Cano will dance with Seattle but will ultimately return to the Bronx for about $200 mil. Still, it’s fun to dream that era of stupid contracts – yes, I’m talking to you Desperate Angels of Orange County – might be over…The 2014 World Cup draw will be held Friday in Brazil, and U.S. fans are afraid of being put in a “Group of Death” with three difficult foes. But, don’t worry, soccer is just a couple years away from becoming as big in this country as it is everywhere else. Yes, and all the venues in Brazil will be ready in time for the Cup’s opening ceremonies. Get ready for a first-round match between Uruguay and Switzerland on a beach in Rio. Thongs for the players will be optional.

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YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? A quick scan of the Inquirer’s pre-season boys basketball poll revealed a lot of the usual names – Neumann-Goretti, Imhotep, Chester, etc. – but the most interesting part of the survey was how many transfers the schools had, even the public schools. Remember when high school kids didn’t want to leave their friends for anything, even if it meant a chance at a better education or college destination? These days, top hoops players will switch sides every year if they have to, and coaches are charged with “keeping players happy”, in order to prevent them from bolting. College fans are bemoaning the huge number of transfers among D-I schools, but it seems to be worse at the prep level, where sophomores are not willing to play reserve roles and could transfer a couple times to find a favorable situation. Of course, sometimes the academic part plays into it, and players have to leave prep schools to find different levels of coursework or better support systems. The ball is good, but the merry-go-round aspect of it is unsettling, particularly if it starts spinning even faster in the future.

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AND ANOTHER THING: El Hombre is not allowed to reveal his preferences for the Mr. Stiff Arm Trophy, because the folks at the Heisman Trust warned him last spring that if he did it again, he would lose his privileges. Thus, mum’s the word. There isn’t a similar sanctity about the Baseball Hall of Fame voting, and as such, some cretin sold his ballot to Deadspin. The web site will let fans determine for whom the individual should vote, and he will behave accordingly. It seems this disgrace to the journalistic profession thinks the process is a sham and is protesting it. Well, why not register your disfavor by walking away, rather than selling out? The punk’s identity is secret right now, but once it is revealed – and it will be revealed – he should never be allowed to get a credential to a sporting event again, be it an MLB game or a grade school potato sack race. Let’s hope the journalism field treats him as the pariah he deserves to become.

-EH-