Thursday, December 5, 2013

GETTING OUT WHILE THE GETTING'S GOOD

If NBA commissioner Uncle David Stern had even the smallest sense of humor, he would have walked out for one of the picks in last year’s NBA Draft – his last as a commissioner – wearing an oversized hunter’s cap and carrying a rifle. He would have tiptoed up to the microphone and said, “Be ve-wy qwiet. I’m hunting wabbits.” Then, he would have announced the next selection in perhaps the most disastrous Draft in history.

“With the eweventh pick in the 2013 NBA Dwaft, the Orwando Magic sewect Humpty Dumpty, center, fwom Ukwaine.”

Alas, Stern rides out of NBAtown on Feb. 1, 2014, 30 years to the day that he took over the job. He is perhaps the greatest commissioner in American sports history and is responsible for remarkable growth in popularity and revenue of the world’s most important professional basketball league. He presided over the creation and nurturing of the star system, in which big names were promoted ahead of the teams for which they played, and helped open the global market with the unleashing of the Dream Team in 1992. Without Stern, we would not have had Dirk Nowitzki or Yao Ming. We wouldn’t have had Pavel Podkolzin or Nikoloz Tskitishvili, either. But there is always some collateral damage when people think big.

Yes, Stern accomplished a lot, and he will be turning things over to Adam Silver, who is said to think just like Stern, even if Silver looks like that really tall elf on “Rudolf”. If you ask El Hombre, Stern is getting out at the right time. The NBA may have robust TV contracts and can hawk T-wolves merchandise in Guangdong Province, but the play on the court is bad and getting worse. No matter how strenuously the league’s propaganda partners promote “The Association”, there is no escaping the fact that the product is experiencing some serious quality control problems.

Take the Eastern Conference…please. As of Thursday morning, there were two (2!) teams with winning records among the 15 in the three divisions. Things are so bad that the Washington Generals would be a four seed in the playoffs, and the bottom two squads are candidates for relegation to the Missouri Valley Conference.

It’s bad in the East but nowhere is it worse than in the Big Apple, where the Knicks and the Nets are waging a big-money race to the graveyard. Things are so bad in Broke-lyn that coach Jason Kidd’s best move all season came when he faked spilling a soda to get a timeout during a game last week. The problem was that he spoke to his team during the stoppage, thereby negating any advantage the Nets had gained by the chicanery. Team owner Mikhail Prokhorov selected Kidd to lead his luxury tax-strapped team, despite Kidd’s zero experience as an NBA coach. With decisions like that, one has to wonder how the big Russian became a billionaire. Oh, yeah, that’s right: the giddy days after the fall of the Soviet Union, when Jack Sparrow and Blackbeard would have seemed like altar boys.

While the Nets stink it up in the outskirts, the Knicks have flat quit in Gotham. Owner James Dolan is making all sorts of threats, but the fact remains that his people have populated the roster with a collection of hounds, led by CarMElo Anthony, whose selfishness makes Veruca Salt look like a philanthropist. It’s amazing to think that some team is going to bestow $20-25 million/year on him after this season.

And therein lies the problem. As long as media sycophants regard serial gunners like him as stars, the NBA will continue its slide into oblivion. The new players are better suited for the decathlon than the basketball court, and while everybody is waiting for the 2014 Draft to flood the league with a collection of saviors, the fact remains that the crop – while filled with potential – could be more hype than anything else. But that hasn’t stopped a third of the league from throwing away this season in the hopes of landing a superstar capable of transforming them from tomato cans to contenders.

Meanwhile, the big names (Mamba Bryant, Tim Duncan, Dirk Nowitzki, Paul Pierce) are getting older, and those charged with replacing them aren’t nearly as good. No matter how hard TV partners and advertisers work to convince fans that the new generation is worthy, eventually people are going to realize that it isn’t and that the quality of the game has suffered considerably. By that time, Stern will be sitting on a veranda somewhere with Bud Sellout and Paul Tagliabue, holding forth about how he was part of the scam that convinced everyone that Michael Jordan really wanted to play baseball. At some point in his story, the cell phone will buzz. Silver will be on the line, asking for advice. Stern will smile and choose the “dismiss” option.

You’re on your own, kid. Best of luck.

* * *

EL HOMBRE SEZ: So the Spurs-Timberwolves game in Mexico City was postponed last night because of a nearby generator fire that made the arena unfit for athletic competition. El Hombre didn’t know Roger Goodell had anything to do with the NBA, too…Speaking of Commissioner for Life Goodell, the $100,000 fine for Steelers coach Mike Tomlin, in the wake of his wild ride onto the field last Thursday night is okay, but taking away draft picks or dropping Pittsburgh in the order is silly. Tomlin’s actions did not change the outcome of the game and making him pay 100 large for his transgression is penalty enough. Don’t go overboard on this one, Commandante…School district officials in Manassas, VA are unapologetic about digging up a cemetery that dates back to the mid-1800s to make room for a new athletic complex that will include a football field. Citing redesign costs, the school refused to let the dead rest. They did, however, offer them season tickets in perpetuity…LeBron James is scheduled to star in a feature film with Kevin Hart. Hart plays a man who lives in the shadow of his basketball star brother (James) and uses a weekend at a fantasy camp to prove himself hoop-worthy. An NBA star in a movie? What could possibly go wrong? Kazaam, that’s what!...So, Robinson Cano started his free agent wrangling by saying he wanted $300 million. Now, he’s down to $200 mil, with the Mariners his only real suitor. Meanwhile, the Yankees are spending money on other players and might not have the appetite to go deep on Cano. Could it be that fiscal sanity is invading Majoke League Baseball? Naaahhhhh. Cano will dance with Seattle but will ultimately return to the Bronx for about $200 mil. Still, it’s fun to dream that era of stupid contracts – yes, I’m talking to you Desperate Angels of Orange County – might be over…The 2014 World Cup draw will be held Friday in Brazil, and U.S. fans are afraid of being put in a “Group of Death” with three difficult foes. But, don’t worry, soccer is just a couple years away from becoming as big in this country as it is everywhere else. Yes, and all the venues in Brazil will be ready in time for the Cup’s opening ceremonies. Get ready for a first-round match between Uruguay and Switzerland on a beach in Rio. Thongs for the players will be optional.

* * *

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? A quick scan of the Inquirer’s pre-season boys basketball poll revealed a lot of the usual names – Neumann-Goretti, Imhotep, Chester, etc. – but the most interesting part of the survey was how many transfers the schools had, even the public schools. Remember when high school kids didn’t want to leave their friends for anything, even if it meant a chance at a better education or college destination? These days, top hoops players will switch sides every year if they have to, and coaches are charged with “keeping players happy”, in order to prevent them from bolting. College fans are bemoaning the huge number of transfers among D-I schools, but it seems to be worse at the prep level, where sophomores are not willing to play reserve roles and could transfer a couple times to find a favorable situation. Of course, sometimes the academic part plays into it, and players have to leave prep schools to find different levels of coursework or better support systems. The ball is good, but the merry-go-round aspect of it is unsettling, particularly if it starts spinning even faster in the future.

* * *

AND ANOTHER THING: El Hombre is not allowed to reveal his preferences for the Mr. Stiff Arm Trophy, because the folks at the Heisman Trust warned him last spring that if he did it again, he would lose his privileges. Thus, mum’s the word. There isn’t a similar sanctity about the Baseball Hall of Fame voting, and as such, some cretin sold his ballot to Deadspin. The web site will let fans determine for whom the individual should vote, and he will behave accordingly. It seems this disgrace to the journalistic profession thinks the process is a sham and is protesting it. Well, why not register your disfavor by walking away, rather than selling out? The punk’s identity is secret right now, but once it is revealed – and it will be revealed – he should never be allowed to get a credential to a sporting event again, be it an MLB game or a grade school potato sack race. Let’s hope the journalism field treats him as the pariah he deserves to become.

-EH-

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Pope Urban VI Is Right: The BCS Was, Is And Always Will Be A Joke

When Pope Urban VI took over at Ohio State, it simplified the lives of many Michigan fans, who could now despise both the school and the coach in one central location. A by-product of the convenience was the hilarious comedy routine Urban VI had delivered the previous year, during which he crisscrossed the country as an espn analyst, gaining intelligence on other programs while spouting platitudes about wanting to “spend more time” with his family.

To its continued discredit, espn handled Urban VI gently, refusing to break the news of his accepting the OSU job and never once mentioning his many missteps at Florida, like how many of his players had been arrested or his propensity for running up the score.

Earlier this week, Urban VI issued a press conference bull that declared what many fans and media members have known for more than a decade: the BCS is sham. Urban VI described it as an “imperfect system”, a reasonable declaration by someone whose undefeated team can’t get within a mile of the BCS title game without nine other teams’ losing first. One gets the impression that the collection of aged voters, hidden-agenda coaches and superhero-loving computer geeks would rather put just about anybody in the big game but the Buckeyes. You can’t blame them. The Buckeyes play in the Big Ten, which is as powerful lately as the mayor of Toronto. And Ohio State’s non-conference schedule included School of Rock, the College of Cardinals and Harrison University. Despite its 25-game winning streak, OSU doesn’t look like it stacks up too well with Alabama, Florida State, Baylor or Barbizon School of Modeling.

Thus Urban VI’s frustration.

You may find this hard to believe, but El Hombre is right there next to Urban VI – except when he gets excommunicated. Then the poor bastard is on his own. The BCS isn’t just imperfect; it’s an absolute disaster. And the hilarious part is that the college football media has lapped up the press releases and interview opportunities with the members of the new four-team “playoff” selection committee, who are likely to engage in much of the same ridiculous behavior that has characterized the BCS during its heinous existence.

The good news is that something better is coming. You can bet on that. After a couple years of seeing just how much cash is available from salivating networks, the post-season field will grow from four to eight teams, assuring a real playoff, instead of this ersatz competition being foisted upon the sport now. From there, it will be easy to expand to 12 or even 16 teams, although there is no need for a full, four-round system, since there is no way that Fresno State or Northern Illinois – ranked 15 and 16 in the current BCS poll – is going to win the national title. Twelve would be a good number. That way, the top four schools get byes.

El Hombre knows that there are those of you out there who will consider a playoff a disgusting assault on the bowl system. Were this 1978, EH would be in lock step with you. But the bowls have been ruined by expansion – four bowls debut next year, including the Bahamas Bowl(!), making about 67% of all teams eligible for post-season play – TV greed and conference realignment. The current system is the sporting equivalent of Joan Rivers’ face: It’s practically impossible to recognize its original version. Were we still able to enjoy a New Year’s Day feast of the Cotton, Rose, Sugar and Orange Bowls, a playoff would be abhorrent. We’re not, so it’s okay.

There are those who doubt that the four-team tournament will expand, simply because the remaining members of the BCS cartel who have joined up with the “playoff” crew insist that four is the limit. Believing them is like taking former Soviet officials’ proclamations seriously. As soon as more zeroes start showing up in proposals from TV networks, the strict adherence to the quartet model will disappear. By 2020, expansion will have taken hold or will have been announced. Count on it.

Until then, fans must endure the end of the BCS era and the attendant misty-eyed looks back by sycophantic propaganda partners. They’ll be assaulted by weeks of espn promotion that refuses to consider that the formula didn’t work. And in the end, the college football world will probably watch Nick Saban win his fourth title at Alabama, unless Auburn has an Iron Bowl surprise cooked up for the Tide next Saturday. Moments after the final gun, Saban will return to his office and begin berating players in preparation for the 2014 season.

Meanwhile, in Columbus, Urban VI will continue to protest the system that helped him get his job at Florida. (Do you really think Utah would have ended up in the 2005 Fiesta Bowl and trampled an undeserving Pitt team without the BCS?) He’ll stick pins in dolls wearing Baylor and FSU uniforms. Maybe he’ll get lucky, and his Buckeyes will find their way to the final game.

And lose to ‘Bama by 25.

* * *

EL HOMBRE SEZ: Doyle Wolverton, who has coached for 38 years at Leake Academy in Madden, MS, and is the second-winningest girls basketball coach of all time, has resigned after being accused of biting a player who made a mistake during a game. All of a sudden, Bob Knight doesn’t look so bad. Guess that off-season clinic at the Mike Tyson Coaching Academy wasn’t such a good idea…San Francisco 49ers safety Donte Whitner will change his name legally to Donte Hitner after the season to celebrate his hard-charging style of play. Nothing about that sounds bad, does it? In a related story, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is changing his name to Roger Stalin…Lakers guard Steve Nash is considering a mid-season retirement. Sources report that he got the idea from the 1-12 Jazz, all of whose players retired before the season…Former NBA player and full-time madman Dennis Rodman is launching a new liquor brand, Bad Ass Vodka. The Worm thinks it would be a great idea for Barack Obama to toast North Korean president and Rodman’s “friend for life” Kim Jong Unbelievably Crazy in a pursuit of peace. It’s a great idea, once Kim Jong gets that pesky totalitarian philosophy and heinous human rights record cleaned up. One has to wonder whether Rodman is selling or just drinking his product…There was some big hot stove news Wednesday. Texas traded second baseman Ian Kinsler to Detroit for Thanksgiving Day parade float Prince Fielder and some barbecue sauce to be named later.

* * *

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? The Phillies’ decisions to sign 36-year old Marlon Byrd and Carlos Ruiz, who turns 35 in January, prove that the team has been operating with little or no plan for the future. Adding two aging players to a starting lineup that already includes creaking Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley and Ryan Howard is stopgap GM behavior, at best. The 2014 Phillies are going to be like one of those oldies shows the Geator stages, when remaining members of the Chi-Lites, Ides of March and Delfonics convene to play a couple hits and compare medical procedures. The team’s few young players will have to make sure they don’t drink out of the water jug that contains the Metamucil, or they’ll learn a whole new meaning to the term, “running game”. The Phillies have millions committed to decaying players, all courtesy of Ruben Amaro, and could well be the only team in baseball that has to offer Medigap plans to its players. Get your tickets now!

* * *

AND ANOTHER THING: It’s easy to take shots at Alex Rodriguez in his battle with Majoke League Baseball and commissioner Bud Sellout. He’s smug and overpaid. Rodriguez is an admitted steroid cheat, and he is fighting the latest allegations against him with a battalion of lawyers, whereas others who were suspended last year went quietly into exile and returned (for the most part) contrite. So, fire away at Rodriguez, who wants us to believe that nothing stronger than Wheaties has fueled the latest – and largely disappointing – chapter of his career. Don’t forget to direct some vitriol at Sellout and the MLB. All of a sudden they are all about law and order after spending more than a decade allowing rampant use of performance enhancing drugs to taint the game. The recent suspensions came not as a result of the league’s drug-testing program, which can’t be too stringent if the cheaters in question didn’t provide positive samples, but due to some dumb luck and good follow through regarding Biogenesis. This is a classic bonfire of the vanities, and rooting for either side is a mistake. All it does is make it more and more difficult to believe that the game is clean. It’s easy to pillory Rodriguez, but he’s not the only villain in this tale.

-EH-

Thursday, November 14, 2013

COLLEGE HOOPS 2013-14: ONLY THE YOUNG NEED APPLY

There are about 4,000 scholarship D-I basketball players in America, but if you listen to espn this season, you will find out that only three matter. The network has come up with a “Journey to the Tourney” slogan that doesn’t quite work on the East coast, where “Journey to the Torney” doesn’t have the same rhyming pizzazz. But if the four-letter people wanted to be honest, they would simply say “Screw Everybody Else” and broadcast each minute Andrew Wiggins, Jabari Parker and Julius Randle are awake this season.

How would you like to be Creighton forward Doug McDermott, who has an outside shot at reaching 3,000 points this year? Chances are he won’t get any attention, because at 21, he’s too old. Michigan State and Louisville could each win the national title this year, but neither team has a phenom whom espn can promote as a bridge to its NBA coverage, so they might as well be Southern Utah or NJIT. Part of the new Big East? Forget it. None of your players has a chance of being drafted in the top 10 next year, so you don’t matter.

Welcome to the 2013-14 college hoops season, where new rules promise to free the game from the tyranny of conniving coaches’ evil defensive schemes, and Dick Vitale still screams the same inanities after a routine breakaway dunk. The action is already under way, so lace ‘em up and get ready to follow these big stories.

Spoiled Brats: Every year, college basketball analysts need bibs to handle the constant streams of drool that accompanies their frenzied assessments of top freshman players. But the affection showered on Wiggins, Parker and Randle represents a new low. The last time some 18-year olds received this much attention, the Olsen twins were reaching the age of reason.

This is a perfect storm of NBA need and media avarice, all rolled into one. Some of the rotten pro teams would prefer that life fast forwards to the annual Lottery reveal show, the better for them to find out which of the coveted collection of newcomers they’ll have a chance to choose. But espn wants to milk every minute out of this season and make sure fans see as much of the Three-cruits as possible. Brace yourselves, because this is going to get syrup-of-ipecac ugly, and that’s saying something about espn, ground zero of media self-aggrandizement.

Home, Sweet...: It’s over for a while. At least that’s what they promised us. No more worrying about which leagues will poach which teams and how many more teams the A-10 can possibly lose.

Yeah, right.

So, now we have the rebranded Big East, an expanded ACC, which shouldn’t be confused with the spanking new AAC (which should consider merging with the CAA to form the Palindrome Association). There’s also the WAC, which bids farewell to seven schools, brings in six and features for-profit Grand Canyon University, which has somehow offended ADs around the country with its bottom-line sensibilities. Good thing college athletics exist just for the love of sports.

But, wait, there’s more. There are eight new schools in Conference USA, a.k.a. the Realignment Waiting Room. The Sun Belt has three fresh conscripts. The A-10 added George Mason and brings on Davidson next year. There’s a new face in the CAA. The Ohio Valley brought on Belmont. El Hombre could go on, but he’s sick of talking about this stuff. If the Ivy League starts looking to expand, we’ll know to stock up on canned goods.

Jump Around: There’s no free agency in college basketball, but the transfer market was hotter than the UNLV dance team and had more activity than a Kardashian at a speed-dating event. Players jumped from school to school at a rate of about 14%, and the best part of the game was how they concocted stories to gain hardship waivers that would gain them immediate eligibility. Some were legit. Others, not so much. “My aunt’s second cousin’s husband has a head cold, and I need to be near him to help with his care.” Sold!

There is nothing wrong with players’ skipping town for a better situation, especially since coaches do with regularity. But that doesn’t mean the movement is free and easy. Some coaches won’t release players from scholarships if they want to attend rival schools. And yet Steve Alford pledge his troth to New Mexico last spring before bolting to UCLA. So, Johnny DribbleDrive wants to switch schools? Have at it, son.

What Was He Thinking? There are some people who believe Oklahoma State point man Marcus Smart needed to change his last name after deciding last spring to return for a second year of college, rather than becoming a top-five NBA draft pick.

Smart has said that he wants to get better at his craft before joining the pro ranks. He actually likes being on campus and enjoyed the opportunity to help the U.S. under-19 team win the world title over the summer. And he wants to help the Cowpokes improve on last year’s first-round NCAA tourney flameout.

Those are all sound reasons, but let’s face it, rational thought doesn’t have a place in college athletics these days, unless it’s surrounding a bottom-line financial decision. Smart must have been abducted by rabid OSU fans and brainwashed into thinking a second year of college was the right move. Either that, or the Communists got him. Come on, now. Who in the hell passes up a chance to go to the NBA? Not very Smart, is it?

The Picks: Expect some pretty nice name brands to convene at False Face’s house in suburban Dallas at this year’s Final Four. Michigan State, Kentucky and Duke all make sense. Expect Oklahoma State to fill out the card, with the Spartans hoisting the trophy at the end of it all.

* * *

EL HOMBRE SEZ: Great news for all rookies around the world! The Minnesota Timberwolves have banned hazing of all kinds. That means Shabazz Muhammad won’t be scarred for life by wearing a Jo Bros backpack around anymore. Next up, the Marines start calling conscripts by cute nicknames and stage weekly sensitivity training sessions for drill instructors…A Ugandan fan of Arsenal lost his two-room house in a wager after the Gunners dropped a decision last Sunday to Manchester United. Had he won, Henry Dhabasani, who has three wives and five children, would have won the wife and Toyota of Rashid Yiga, his pal. Upon hearing of the bet, Las Vegas casino executives immediately announced plans for a Spouse book, which is expected to do big business with customers from Utah…The Buffalo Bills have contacted the NFL regarding what they think is unfair scheduling. Turns out the Bills are upset they have to play NFL teams and asked for the opportunity to schedule some Mid-American Conference foes in 2014…Last week, El Hombre reported on Kansas State’s promotion that gave students attending the Lady Wildcats’ first home game bacon. Now, Louisville coach Jeff Walz is going a step further. He’ll buy a beer for the first 2,500 fans over 21 who arrive at the KFC Yum! Center (Really?) for the Cards’ game with LSU. Nice. Can’t wait for Weed Night at a University of Colorado women’s game…A high school cross country runner in Kentucky forfeited her chance to qualify for the state championship meet, because she didn’t want to wear the number 666 during a competition. That’s a devil of a problem to have, isn’t it? Guess she didn’t have that fire in her stomach, eh? Let’s hope this decision doesn’t produce some inner demons down the road. What? Too much? Aw, go to…

* * *

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? When he was asked Tuesday what he thought about NBA teams’ tanking to get one of the top freshmen in the country, Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said, among other things, “Shame on them” and couldn’t imagine any American doing something like that. Thanks for the patriotic speech, coach. Meanwhile, back in Realityland, there are some awful clubs in need of significant upgrades. One happens to be the 1-2-3-4-5-Sixers, who sit at 5-4 and actually lead the Atlantic Division. That leads to a simple question: Exactly what is going on here? It was clear during the off-season that the team’s goal was to tank for a good spot in the Lottery. The Sixers signed journeymen bench players, refused to extend Evan Turner’s contract beyond this season and announced that it was unlikely rookie center Nerlens Noel would play in 2013-14. What they didn’t count on was that practically every opponent would sit one of its stars when visiting Philadelphia. That means more drastic measures are necessary. Turner is playing well, so it’s time to trade him for the rights to a Uzbek small forward. Thaddeus Young looks good, too. Dish him to a contender for expiring contracts and injured players. Does the organization really want the 12th spot in the draft lineup and another shot at mediocrity next year? It’s time for GM Sam Hinkie to get busy and fix this thing.

* * *

AND ANOTHER THING: If you don’t think professional sports teams are petrified about what can happen when their players take to social media, consider the mess the Clippers had to clean up Thursday after Matt Barnes took to Twitter following his ejection from Wednesday night’s game against OK City. Barnes was unhappy that defending teammate Serge Ibaka will end up getting him fined. So, he tweeted – while the game was still going on – “I love my teammates like family, but I’m DONE standing up for these n---as! All this s--- does is cost me money.” That’s all the Clippers need. And that’s all any team needs. You can’t stop pro players from using social media, and you can’t really guide them too well, either. Barnes’ comments, while stupid, are not horribly damaging. But more trouble lurks, especially as available options grow. It used to be that teams only had to worry about players’ spouting off to assembled media in the locker room. Now, every minute of the day can be a press conference for knuckleheads with smart phones. Good times.

-EH-

Thursday, November 7, 2013

RICHIE INCOGNITO IS A BIG, FAT JERK

(BUT FOOTBALL HAD BETTER NOT CHANGE ITS CULTURE)



During his salad days as an undergraduate, El Hombre had the opportunity to share a dormitory with several members of the school’s highly successful football team. Getting to know Bodzilla, T.J., Bubba and “2-4, Back Door” was a privilege, and plenty of knowledge and B.S. were passed back and forth during our encounters.

One day, however, things went a little too far. Make that, a certain media All-Star’s mouth went too far. The result was a trip, head first, into a large trashcan, courtesy of Slob Thompson, outside linebacker. This 6-foot, 5-inch, 230-pound man had a largely gregarious personality along with the physical ability to deposit wise-ass sports commentators into containers containing pizza boxes and other sundry refuse, just as easily as he put on his tinted glasses.

It was not a particularly proud moment for Your Hero. But once clear of the cylinder, there was time to reflect on the lessons learned from the incident. It would have been easy to report Slob for his actions. Old Coach Grouchy would have loved to make him run the stadium steps a few mornings as punishment for flexing his muscles. But that wasn’t the right path. Slob’s show of force was warranted, and it achieved the desired bit of behavior modification. In other words, an act that would be considered wildly inappropriate in certain circles was certainly proper in this situation.

Men do this kind of stuff to other men. Some do it with strength. Others use words. More use power or money. It has happened as long as men have walked upright, although there are some who attribute certain of these behaviors to Australopithecus and therefore blanch at the idea that they continue today.

Last week, Miami Dolphins offensive tackle Jonathan Martin left the team after reaching his fill of the tactics employed by teammate Richie Incognito, whose myriad on and off-field misdeeds have been well chronicled. According to many media reports, Incognito’s hazing efforts had gone well beyond the basic rookie stuff and included racist and threatening language. Martin decided to leave the team after Incognito and other Miami offensive linemen got up and left a table in the team cafeteria after Martin sat down. It was a childish prank, the kind that can be found at middle schools around the country, but it was apparently quite enough for Martin.

Tuesday, Omar Kelly of the Sun Sentinel reported that Dolphins coach Joe Philbin had directed Incognito to ride Martin, hoping the veteran’s actions would make Martin tougher. And there’s where the problem comes in. This isn’t about the NFL’s locker room culture, which if applied to standards demanded in traditional workplaces would be an abomination, but within the environment of young, talented, highly successful, aggressive young men is accepted. It’s about the fact that a coach asked a player like Incognito to be responsible for the development of a teammate. The villains here are Philbin and Incognito, not football or its traditions.

That’s a vital distinction to make. Say what you want about the NFL practice of making young players sing songs, get bad haircuts, run errands, buy food, tote equipment or even get taped to the goalposts after practice, but it’s all part of joining the group. Those who handle their tests without complaint gain entry into the veterans’ world. Those who can’t behave properly will have problems developing the necessary bonds with their teammates will be viewed as untrustworthy in crucial on-field situations. It’s largely innocuous stuff, and it doesn’t deserve the oncoming assault by those who don’t understand it. As long as it doesn’t include violence, bigotry or extreme psychological abuse, leave it alone.

The problem here is that an authority figure – Philbin – in an effort to make one of his players tougher reportedly turned to the wrong person for assistance. Incognito, a serial bad actor whose history of boorish behavior can be traced back to his freshman year at Nebraska, has been voted the dirtiest player in the NFL by his peers and has made a career out of angering teammates and opponents alike. There is no way, repeat NO WAY, Philbin didn’t know about this when he asked Incognito to thicken Martin’s skin. Turning a documented bully loose on someone like Martin, a Stanford graduate with a quite demeanor and a gentle personality, was irresponsible at best and perhaps even criminal. This situation careened out of control as Incognito bore down on Martin, and Philbin and his staff refused to monitor and end it. Even if recent comments by Dolphins players described Incognito as Martin’s “best friend” on the team and like a “big brother” to him are true, Incognito’s tactics were wrong.

Should Martin have struck back? Probably. And a report by ProFootballTalk.com indicates that Miami GM Jeff Ireland told Martin’s agent the tackle should have confronted Incognito physically. But Martin wouldn’t have found too many allies in the locker room. According to the Miami Herald writer Armando Salguero, Incognito’s teammates respected and liked him, despite his aggressive personality. And one of the reasons there has been no outcry from African-American Dolphins regarding Incognito’s use of a racist term in a text to Martin is that he is an “honorary black man” in the locker room, according to Salguero’s report. If Martin had stood up to Incognito, it might not have gone well.

But that isn’t the issue here. Different people handle things differently. This situation isn’t about whether a rookie has to carry shoulder pads after practice. It’s about the judgment of a leader in charge of a group of men. If the reports are true, Philbin made a crucial error in directing Incognito to toughen Martin. For that, he and his henchman must pay.

* * *

EL HOMBRE SEZ: Did you hear about the Bears fan who tasered his wife after Chicago knocked off Green Bay Monday night? Turns out the two had made a bet on the game in a local establishment, and the missus – a Packer backer – had to pay up. She later told police officers who were investigating the bizarre wager that she didn’t expect her husband to go through with it. Just another example of how women have no idea about men. The chance to use a taser? Awesome! To fire it at the wife? Well, no comment…The MLS playoffs continue apace, with Houston’s knocking out the Red Bulls and Sporting Kansas City – oh, who is El Hombre kidding? Nobody cares about that crap…Good news, Alabama fans: Nick Saban says he is sticking around and not taking the Texas job. In other news, Warden Hazen has promised Paul “Wrecking” Crewe that after the guards get a 21-point lead in the second half, they’ll lay off the Mean Machine…Kansas State students who attend the Lady Wildcats’ basketball game against Tennessee State Friday will receive free bacon. Big things are forecast for KSU this year, which hopes to play styfling defense and the kind of unselfish offense that doesn’t feature players’ hogging the ball. With a kickoff promotion like this, it should be a snoutstanding season in Manhattan…Milwaukee Bucks center Larry Sanders is under investigation for his role in a fight at a local nightclub that left him with an injured thumb. According to reports, Sanders started the brawl and allegedly broke several bottles of champagne over people’s heads during the fracas. Police are likely to look past the bubbly assaults, since given the team’s play in recent decades, no Buck player could possibly know what to do with champagne…Members of the South Holt (MO) HS football team chose to forfeit their final game of the season, in order to attend the Future Farmers of America convention in Louisville. The team finished the season without a victory, but at least the players are up on the latest techniques on raising sorghum and made some new friends at the convention – the Jacksonville Jaguars, who seem to have forfeited all of their games this year…A middle school football coach in Oregon has been fired for refusing to change the site of his team’s season-ending banquet from Hooters to Just About Anywhere Else. Coach Randy Burbach reportedly chose Hooters for its “family” atmosphere and turned down a chance to stage the event at the local strip club, because it didn’t have enough high chairs.

* * *

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? Looks like that four-leaf clover Chip Kelly carries around with him is finally paying off. Last week, his Eagles played against a Raider defense that looked like it gave the points and bet the over, and this week, they take on Green Bay, which is without Aaron Rodgers. Expect Washington NFL Franchise quarterback Robert Griffin III to take a leave of absence before next week’s game, Megatron to join the French Foreign Legion in advance of the Birds’ Dec. 8 game against Detroit and Bears players to opt for the Future Welders of America convention later that month. All Kelly’s Heroes need for the Dec. 29 showdown in Dallas is a healthy Tony Romo to be throwing key late interceptions for the Cowgirls. Imagine the excitement when the Eagles win the NFC Island of Misfit Toys decision and are 17 ½-point underdogs to San Francisco in the wild-card playoff round. Good times!

* * *

AND ANOTHER THING: Wednesday brought the disturbing news that a series of tests conducted on former NFL players at UCLA concluded that Hall of Famers Tony Dorsett and Joe DeLamielleure and all-pro Leonard Marshall have signs of chronic traumatic encephalopathy, the degenerative brain condition many scientists say is caused by repeated head trauma and is considered a precursor to dementia and depression. In an interview aired on espn’s Outside the Lines program, Dorsett admitted that he has trouble controlling his emotions and that he often forgets routine tasks he must perform and the routes he must take while driving. Dorsett said he’s “too smart” to take his own life but that “it’s crossed my mind.” Is El Hombre the only one who thinks that in 50 years people may be telling their children about a defunct sport that was great to play and watch but that it put participants at such risk for future brain damage that it had to be outlawed? This is serious stuff, and it is time for some big-time changes in the game. First, commit 100% to making helmets as safe as possible, no matter what they look like. Second, widen the damn field, the better to force tacklers to wrap their arms and take the man to the ground, rather than setting the stage for dozens of mammoth collisions in confined spaces each game. Finally, establish a committee of people to oversee football at every level and get rid of any coach who doesn’t teach his players to tackle correctly. How many more players must we hear speak of their deteriorating physical conditions before serious measures are taken to protect today’s athletes – and not just to limit future NFL liability? After Wednesday, it would appear as if there are plenty more to come.

-EH-

Thursday, October 31, 2013

A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN

If Adam Silver weren’t about nine feet tall, he would be the perfect Mini-Me for outgoing NBA commissioner Uncle David Stern. The two reportedly are on such a mental tether that Stern has no trepidations about bequeathing the marketing machine he nurtured to clean-pated Leviathan. If Silver adopts a Fuddian accent, the argument might be made that Stern simply had his brain transplanted into his successor’s melon and continues to rule the basketball world without having to travel, talk to Craig Sager or pretend that he cares about what goes on in Milwaukee.

No matter what happens during the 2013-14 season, the big NBA news is that Stern is stepping down on Feb. 1 after 30 years of directing sports’ most impressive global empire. (You don’t see any NFL games being played in China, do you?) Miami may win its third straight championship, and CarMElo Anthony might hijack the subplot with his will-he or won’t-he free agent rubbish, but Stern’s leaving is huge. When he took over, the NBA was just starting to flourish, thanks to Bird and Magic, but troubles lay ahead in the form of rampant Bolivian Marching Powder abuse and the Los Angeles Clippers.

Stern turned the game into a showcase of personalities. It was no longer Chicago against Boston; it was MJ versus Bird. He nurtured players’ endorsement deals and played TV to the max. In the process, league revenues soared, as did Stern’s imperious behavior. It’s time for him to move on, and by all accounts, Silver seems like a perfect replacement. As he begins his tenure atop the Association, a stew of stories simmers. As always, the NBA season will be a menagerie of personality disorders and decaying quality. But, hey, it beats the hell out of hockey, eh?

Free Agent Frenzy: What 6-foot, 9-inch man doesn’t grow up dreaming of being wooed with expensive meals and fawning attention from a list of suitors? Apparently, Anthony is not immune to the lure of that treatment and announced before the season began that he intends to enjoy every expensive steak and vintage bottle of wine NBA executives are willing to ply him with in the hopes of winning his affections. Although Anthony backed off a week or so later and said he wanted to recruit players to join him in New York – does that mean he will be handing out the roses? – he has assured that nearly every city he plays in this year will be ranked and rated as a possible destination. And speculation will be rampant. Talk about a good recipe for team success. El Hombre has said it before, and he’ll say it again: CarMElo will never win a title, and any team considering dropping $20 mil a year on him had better remember that. The Plague was less destructive than he can be.

Limited Orbit: Now that Dwight Howard has come to Houston, the Rockets are ready for liftoff! Or at least that’s how the league’s breathless narrative goes. The Spurs are old. (Tim Duncan’s last checkup was covered by his Medigap plan.) OK City is a player or two short of title contention, and the Clippers play no D. So, the NBA needs Houston to rise, and with Howard and James Harden on the roster, it could happen. But Howard has given us absolutely no reason over the past two seasons to believe he’s the kind of player capable of carrying a team to the title. He threw a temper tantrum in Orlando to secure his release and spent last year moaning about his role in the Laker offense. If you look at champions throughout history, a precious few of them have overcome rampant immaturity to win titles. Howard won’t join that elite group, despite the best promotional efforts of the league’s propaganda partners.

Show Me The Rubles: Brooklyn owner Mikhail Prokhorov will be paying something on the order of $87 million in luxury tax this year, thanks to the Nets’ acquisitions of Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce (and, to a lesser extent, Jason Terry and Andrei Kirilenko) in a bid for NBA primacy. For him, that’s less than the cost of another mineshaft in Talnakh, so big deal. And rumor has it he promised Kirilenko mining rights to Red Square in return for taking a discounted salary. The Brooklyn Codgers could be a lot of fun this year, or a skirmish could break out every night for possession of the basketball, which will find interested parties in Pierce, machine-gunning Joe Johnson, scoring point man Deron Williams and center Brook Lopez. Expected to keep this collection of avarice in check is first-year coach Jason Kidd, a great player but someone who hasn’t even been on the bench for a Biddy ball game. Those who don’t behave might just be playing north of the Arctic Circle in one of Prokhorov mining companies’ industrial leagues, where 23-hour nights bring new meaning to the term “Shooting the lights out.”

Stink, Tank, Stunk: Since many consider the 2014 NBA Draft the best since 2003, there is great impetus to earn a spot high up in the Lottery. In that pursuit, teams have jettisoned just about all their reasonably talented assets in the hopes of plummeting to the league’s lower reaches. Of course, if that kid in the bow tie shows up again representing Cleveland, all bets are off. And don’t be surprised if presumptive number one pick Andrew Wiggins magically ends up in Boston. What a stroke of good luck for the Celtics! Phoenix is so guaranteed a spot in the Western cellar that it is staging nightly productions of “The Cask of Amontillado.” The Sixers are so desperate to lose they might offer Allen Iverson a contract – and then let him to go A.C. and New York whenever he wants. If Boston trades Rajon Rondo, the Celtics might not be able to win a CYO league. Orlando is rotten. Sounds like a new NBDL division. Get your tickets now.

Fearless Forecast: It seems crazy to pick against the Heat, and El Hombre’s sanity is fully in tact. (Shaddup!) So, it’s Miami over OK City for the title in a three-time smackdown for the LeBron haters.

* * *

EL HOMBRE SEZ: The hottest pre-Halloween photo was of the one year-old Kansas City-area boy whose parents dressed him up as Andy Reid. Adorable. But the couple should have gone all the way and sprinkled the kid’s mustache with barbecue sauce and donut crumbs…Seriously, though, Big Red has done a remarkable job with the Chiefs, leading them to an 8-0 record, all while doing a spot-on imitation of the Kool-Aid pitcher from the old commercials. Oh, yeah!!...The Red Sawx completed a worst-to-first run that ended Wednesday night in the first World Series clincher in Boston since 1918, or the last time some of the Sawx players shaved. The beards were nice for a while, but when the players started pulling the hidden-ball trick after concealing the horsehide in Mike Napoli’s chin shrubbery, things had gone too far…St. Louis wasn’t able to win it all, but the Cardinals shouldn’t worry. Their gentle fans are planning on throwing them a “Nice try” ticker-tape parade. Everybody gets a trophy for participating and a one-dollar credit at the snack bar. Wonder how the Gas House Gang would have taken to a crowd that cheers when a member of the home team grounds into a game-ending double play…If Alabama Nick Saban shows up on the sidelines of the BCS “national championship” game, does that mean we’ll have six more weeks of winter? Coach Grumpy was actually spotted smiling during practice last week, but veteran Sabanologists said that it was only gas…Kansas freshman Andrew Wiggins will reportedly be offered a $180,000 shoe contract by Adidas when he heads into the NBA after this season. Rumor has it Wiggins has been receiving anonymous phone calls from people taunting him for having to wait to get such a minuscule payment. Authorities were able to trace the calls to embedded Bluetooth devices in Maseratis registered in Lexington, KY…The NHL season is up and running, and highlight shows were abuzz Wednesday when Penguins forward Pascal Dupuis pulled his own tooth on the bench after absorbing a friendly-fire high stick from teammate Kris Letang. Great stuff. As for the action on the ice, it looks likezzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

* * *

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? Eagles coach Chip Kelly is so wedded to his college offensive system that he refuses to change, even though Sunday’s starting quarterback Nick Foles is a slower than a hot day at the DMV. Foles is no threat to run on an inside or outside zone read play, so defenders are loading up to stop LeSean McCoy, who has gained 103 yards on 33 carries (3.1 average) and scored no TDs in the Birds’ last two games, which have featured a total of four series by Michael Vick. Instead of admitting that he lacks a quarterback to run his scheme the way it needs to be operated, Kelly sticks stubbornly to it and is paying huge consequences. The Eagles remain one game back of Dallas in the NFC Island of Misfit Toys Division, but a loss Sunday at the costume party in Oakland could put them in a hole out of which they probably can’t climb. How about using a fullback, Chip? Or maybe asking the tight ends to block a little? Those who do not adapt are buried, and Sunday afternoon the Raiders may be digging a hole for the 2013 Eagles season.

* * *

AND ANOTHER THING: That was quite a show staged by Dallas wideout Dez Bryant during the Cowgirls’ come-from-ahead loss to Detroit. While the man whom he had earlier compared himself to – favorably – was putting up 329 yards in receiving yards, Bryant was throwing temper tantrums on the bench. Although Bryant and others claimed later that he was exhorting his team to victory, that’s a little hard to swallow, given that he had to be separated from Jason Witten by DeMarcus Ware late in the game. Even if Bryant were passing on a positive message to teammates and coaches, his wild gesticulations and emphatic actions made him look like an immature team cancer. Given his history, Bryant needs to be doing it better and cleaner than the next guy. There’s no question he is talented, and maybe people did jump to conclusions about his message, but Bryant’s method of delivery made him look like a madman and a someone who couldn’t possibly be good for the team.

-EH-