Friday, August 8, 2008

Smile, China, the IOC loves you

EL HOMBRE KNOWS SPORTS

By now, loyal El Hombre readers are quite familiar with his stance on the ’08 Olympics. To recap:

Chinese Communists bad. Beaten, tormented dissidents good.

Despite the protests of rational individuals, the 2008 Games will kick off tonight in Beijing, giving a country rated among the worst in the world in terms of human-rights violations a stage on which to sanitize its reputation. By removing any evidence of its crimes and limiting where reporters may roam, the Chinese can present an innocent face to the world. The sad part is, many will buy it. Further, President Bush’s unprecedented attendance at the Opening Ceremonies confers a legitimacy on the nation that it hasn’t enjoyed. Either that, or he’s going there to convince Chinese banks not to call in their loans all at once.

The IOC is complicit in this charade, too. When U.S. cyclists arrived at Beijing’s airport earlier this week, they did so wearing the surgical masks that had been distributed to many American athletes, largely because the air quality in the city is a step above that found in an NFL lineman’s shoe. Friday’s reading of particulates found in each cubic meter of air was 191 micrograms, just a “bit” over the World Health Organization (WHO) standard of 50. That stellar number earned the designation “fairly good” from the Chinese government, who must consider being trapped inside an airplane lavatory with a cigar smoker “acceptable.” By the end of the Games, we may have our first reported case of an injury sustained by someone’s walking into a wall of air.

So, the cyclists wore masks. Can’t blame them, since they are elite athletes, for whom the need for clean lungs is rather important. Needless to say, Chinese officials were outraged and planned to say something to the cyclists, just as soon as they stopped coughing. The IOC wasn’t so reticent, demanding apologies and chastising the athletes for embarrassing their hosts. Perhaps if the air in Beijing weren’t listed as “chewable” by the WHO, the cyclists wouldn’t have masked up. The IOC’s reaction is consistent with its high-stress response to everything regarding these Olympics. Since the governing body bestowed this opportunity on China, it has sought to defend its decision at every turn. Edicts have been issued banning any kind of political protest. Any moves made by the Chinese, such as pre-Games shenanigans with TV networks, have been tolerated. And, now, when athletes show up with legitimate concerns for their health, the IOC jumps in. Based on this, it looks like that North Korean bid for the 2020 games might be green-lighted.

Okay, so China was a poor choice. And the Games could well give the world a view of the country as unrealistic Joan Rivers’ face. But there will still be plenty of competition going on, and hundreds of American athletes trying to earn gold medals and marketing dollars. Here are a few of the storylines worth following. (NOTE: Treacly, maudlin candidates need not apply; El Hombre will leave those to NBC’s drama, er, sports department.)

* Scream Team: The NBA’s finest (sans Tim Duncan) have come together to bring the gold medal back to the U.S. Haven’t we heard that before? While Coach K spent time learning how to berate refs in Uzbek, Greek and Finnish, stars like Kobe Bryant, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Paul have pledged to play nice together and win it all. Trouble is, Jerry Colangelo saw fit to include only one pure shooter – Michael Redd – on the team. Good to see we have learned how to play international ball in the past four years. So, expect a lot of zone defenses and frustrated wing guards stymied in their attempts to drive to the hoop. Oh, and look for a crashing lack of sportsmanship against overmatched opponents like Angola, as the U.S. players dunk and mug, even when they’re up by 70. Better win the gold, guys, or we’re sending the college kids in ’12.

* Spitz Take: It’s hard to imagine the walls of American kids’ rooms adorned with posters of Michael Phelps, as they were in 1976 when Mark Spitz piled up seven golds in Munich. Then again, Phelps doesn’t look as good in a Speedo as Spitz did. Phelps is going for a record eight gold medals in Beijing, and he might just get them, provided his controversial space-age swimsuit holds up. Phelps must swim at least 17 times during the Olympics and could have his dream of passing Spitz torpedoed right away, should fellow American Ryan Lochte top him in the 400 IM. Phelps is a remarkable athlete, but he will tie, not best Spitz, thanks to the sheer, overwhelming volume of work ahead.

* Spinners and Jumpers: Americans Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin will likely battle it out for the women’s all-around title, but the real showdown comes in the team competition, when the U.S. battles China. Johnson, Liukin and Co. slapped down Mao’s girls in the worlds by a point, and the frothing hometown crowd will demand revenge. Unfortunately, they’ll get it.

* Short-lived Reign: The IOC has decided that although 128 countries around the world play softball, the sport doesn’t deserve inclusion in future games. So, when the U.S. clocks the field for its fourth gold in as many Olympic competitions, softball will be gone. The Committee has vowed to review the decision next year, but re-instatement is a long shot, unless…perhaps if a nation favorable to the IOC won this year, it might allow softball to continue. That settles it: China gets the (wink-wink) gold, and softball gets new life.

* Drug World: They will be testing urine and blood this year. They might be looking at hair and saliva. Mucus is in play. And don’t forget those tats, which some have maintained can be delivery systems for doses of performance-enhancing drugs (really). The World Anti-Doping Agency is promising to be extra vigilant, and that’s a good thing, because picking out the cheaters isn’t as easy as it used to be, when listening to East German female swimmers imitate James Earl Jones and shave their goatees was all it took to figure out who was juicing.

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EL HOMBRE SEZ: A former Toledo football player has been charged with point-shaving, and disgraced NBA ref Tim Donaghy has asked to testify against him, in order to have some time shaved off his prison sentence. Either that, or he wants to share the same cell with the guy – if he’s convicted – to pick up some tips…In keeping with his stated goal of becoming a “global icon,” LeBron James has said he would consider playing in Europe when his contract expires. In a related story, new Knicks GM Donnie Walsh has been sending $21 million point guard/clubhouse cancer Stephon Marbury travel brochures from Italy…Alabama’s baseball team will play three games in Cuba next spring, so Fidel’s boys had better be careful about possible defectors who could disguise themselves as Crimson Tide players. Some possible clues include anyone asking to drink a “Medico Pepper” or seeking help to shave a “Quattro” into their back hair to support a NASCAR driver.

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AND ANOTHER THING: Now that Brett Favre is a Jet, we can stop following the soap opera regarding his ’08 destination – which, by the way, the National Poison Control Center established as an alternative to syrup of ipecac for vomit inducing in the event someone swallows bleach. Instead, we can start speculating on whether he’ll be any good in New York. The Favre supporters, and there are legions throughout the media, are trying to make the Packers look bad in this, because they shipped Cowboy Quarterback away. That’s ridiculous, since they spent three years on the Brett Retirement Watch and then were told as late as Draft Day ’08 that Favre wasn’t coming back. That’s why they picked Brian Brohm. That’s why they made Aaron Rodgers their starter during mini-camps and OTAs. That’s why they weren’t happy when Favre declared his renewed interest in football in early July. Favre may well be the best QB available to the Packers, but his waffling and diva-like behavior made it impossible for Green Bay to keep him and maintain order among the rest of the roster. Favre moves on to the Jets carrying a big hunk of Packer history with him. Given his age, his performance in two of the past three seasons and his lack of serious conditioning work during the off-season, it’s unlikely he’ll be leading any Super Bowl charges. We’ll still have to deal with his fawning P.R. men on espn, John Madden’s pathological love for him and the rest of his apologists, but Green Bay is better off without him, today and two years from now.

-EH-

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