Bursting the Bubble

EL HOMBRE KNOWS SPORTS

The Connecticut women’s team’s dominance of its basketball world has been so thorough that it is causing otherwise logical people to ask questions that seem to have come directly from the lunch table at the Laughing Academy. Things like whether the Huskies could play competitive basketball against a Division I men’s team. Or a D-II club. Or even a top-shelf boys high school team. Granted, some of that curiosity stems from political correctness. And don’t discount a certain broadcast entity’s self-serving desire to promote its own programming. But the questions are out there, and they are ridiculous.

Don’t mistake this for a chauvinistic screed. UConn’s winning streak is remarkable. But even Huskies’ coach Geno Auriemma understands that his team couldn’t handle those assignments. He admits Connecticut couldn’t even hang with a WNBA team or the U.S. national women’s club, much less a men’s squad.

So, if the NC2A men’s tournament were to swell to a bloated 96 teams, there wouldn’t be room for UConn’s thresher, even if it wins 100 games in a row. Or a thousand. There would, however, be spots for Louisiana Tech and IUPUI, whatever the hell that is. And North Carolina might find a place in a come-one, come-all extravaganza. Okay, so maybe that’s a bit over the top. The Tar Heels stink. Worse, they don’t play hard.

If there were ever an argument against an idea as hare-brained and as greedy as a 96-team version of March Madness, it’s this year’s tourney “bubble.” Have you seen the thing? In years past, it has resembled the giant, glimmering orb that bore Glinda the Good Witch of the North in and out of Dorothy Gale’s Ozian reverie. This year, it looks like the by-product of a pig’s roll in a particularly fetid mud puddle. Trying to find 65 worthy teams for the tournament is a big challenge this year. Just imagine if we were figuring out who deserved the last four spots in the Orson Welles Invitational. What fun it would be discussing the relative merits of Missouri State and Portland. Talk about your drama. And what about those water cooler arguments?

VP of Sales: “How can you say Weber State belongs? They went 1-4 versus the RPI’s top 100.

Comptroller Bob: Oh, and I suppose you favor Harvard and their 274th best strength of schedule?

Heaven help the Republic if those debates are happening across the country. We’ll never get any work done. Come Sunday evening, teams such as Virginia Tech and their awful offense and Memphis and their rotten rebounding could find their ways onto seeding lines in your brackets. The “Last Four In” had better fly to their first-round sites as soon as their names are mentioned, the better to prevent anybody from noticing just how bad they are and getting some court to issue an injunction barring them from participating.

As bad as this year’s crop of at-large candidates might be, it’s nowhere near what could be soiling the tourney’s good name in a year or so. All of the arguments to expand the tournament are self-serving, from the NC2A’s desire to make more money from its TV contracts and corporate “champions” (just writing that makes El Hombre want to wash off the slime), to the coaches’ wishes to preserve their jobs through expanding the number of teams who get to boast of tourney participation. That’s the athletic equivalent of grading every test on the curve. (A big favorite during EH’s days at Eton.) So, you went 5-13 in the Big East? Hey, you still made the tournament. Here’s a set of steak knives.

The other popular argument these days, which seems to be crafted by the same BCS moneygrubbers people who spout the “Every week is a playoff” argument during college football season, is that expanding the tourney puts NC2A hoops on a more level playing ground with professional sports leagues. That camp posits that since 16 of 30 NBA teams (53.3%) and 12 of 32 NFL clubs (37.5%) qualify for the post-season, the NC2A tournament should increase its participation level, which stands at 19.1%. That’s a sound argument, until you consider that in professional leagues, the franchises are all on even footing – except for the Lions. They have the same salary restraints, except in baseball, the same money coming to them from national TV contracts and the same goals and mandates. That is absolutely not the case in the NC2A.

There are 250 schools that have no shot of winning the tournament. Ever. (And don’t try to argue that George Mason disproved that. The Patriots were the first mid-major team in 27 years to reach the Final Four.) Their budgets are nowhere near those of the big-time programs. Their resources and facilities don’t come close. Their conferences have little or no status on the national scene. You cannot argue percentages when there is a giant gap between the group of schools that have a shot at the tourney and those just hoping for a moment or two in the spotlight. If 31 at-large teams are added to the tourney, do you think we’ll see the Horizon League’s runner-up included or an 11th-place squad from the Big East? Is the regular-season champ from the MEAC that lost in its made-for-TV conference tourney going to be included, or will another ACC club get a spot? It’s big-time college sports welfare, and it will hurt an cherished sporting institution badly.

In a week, what could be the final sensible NC2A tournament will kick off. And even though there will be some schools in there with credentials shakier than those of a porn star who’s running for governor, at least they’ll all have winning records. We hope.

Meanwhile, fans of the UConn women should be patient. Their favorites will probably get in – when the tourney is expanded to 256 teams.

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EL HOMBRE SEZ: Ben Roethlisberger may not be guilty of sexual assault. We’ll know more when (if) he provides a DNA sample. But the Pittsburgh quarterback is guilty of serial stupidity. Don’t you think it’s time for a 28-year old multimillionaire to stop trolling college dives for companionship? Get a gun and head to the club, Benjamin. At least there you’ll be hanging with people your own age. Oh, and one more thing: If you’re going out for a night of drinking with the sorority crowd, wear something other than a T-shirt with the devil’s face on it…Eldrick Woods is close to returning to competitive golfing. But don’t expect things to change, at least on the course. The PGA will do everything possible to insulate its cash cow from the public, to the point where he may get to compete on a closed course or play his rounds on Golden Tee…In another example of its continued irrelevance on the sporting the scene, the NHL is dragging its feet about whether to ban hits to the head. At a time when the discussion about concussions has become deafening, the frozen-water crowd continues to debate whether to outlaw cheap shots. No wonder no one can find the league’s games on TV…Milton Bradley talked about how horrible the conditions were for him and other black players in Chicago, a charge Cubs GM Jim Hendry refutes. There was no doubt some racial component to the criticism Bradley received, but his production last year was poor, and for that he was criticized. For a guy now on his ninth team of an 11-year career, it would be a good idea for Bradley to “look in the mirror,” as Hendry suggested…R.I.P. Merlin Olsen.

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YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? If Eddie Jordan isn’t fired this weekend, he’ll get axed the next. Make it through that, and he will certainly be on the bread line by late April, when the Sixers’ regular season ends. If this type of thing weren’t so commonplace in professional sports, it would be laughable. But teams have been firing coaches to cover up management mistakes for decades, so why shouldn’t Jordan get whacked for the poor jobs done by GM Ed Stefanski and executives Peter Luukko and Mr. Ed? Did Jordan hire a coach with a clear, definite system of offense that ran counter to the roster he was expected to direct? No. Did Jordan give a max contract to a forward who was expected to play one way but who had a game that was completely different, a fact that was known throughout the NBA? Nope. Further, did Jordan think it was smart to hire a coach to run a system that puts a premium on court sense, when said big-money free agent was “one of the least intuitive players in the league,” according to an NBA GM? Nyet. Did Jordan give a huge, cap-crippling contract to a player (Andre Iguodala) who didn’t deserve to be paid that much? No, sir. Did Jordan assemble a roster that had no proven point guard and then ask a coach who has a history of being tough on young players to change his style by giving the keys to the team to a rookie? Nein. Did Jordan sign a one-dimensional center to a trade-proof contract? Non. Did Jordan sign a shooter to a two-year, $13 million contract, only to find that he couldn’t shoot all that well? No, sir. Given the answers to those questions, it makes perfect sense that Jordan should be fired, since so much of the Sixers’ mess is his doing. The man is not a great coach, but this franchise’s problems, both immediate (23-41 record) and long-term (worst cap situation in the league for 2010-11) are not his fault. Too bad nobody in the organization recognizes that.

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AND ANOTHER THING: Big College Swindle mouthpiece Bill Hancock invoked the “Congress has more important things to do” cop-out when describing Capitol Hill’s inquiry into the distribution of funds by his organization. First off, that’s the last resort of people with no compelling argument on their side. It’s a wonder he didn’t say, “Nanny, nanny boo-boo” right after that. Secondly, many of the institutions our fine elected officials are investigating receive millions in state funding each year and huge dollar amounts from federal research grants. If there are fiscal monkeyshines going on within a group of those schools, then Congress absolutely should be involved, Bill. Be careful what you believe every time Hancock opens his mouth. The Big College Swindle exists to exercise sovereignty over college football bowl dough and to keep it in the hands of the biggest schools. By throwing some crumbs to Division I-A’s lesser lights, the BCS gives the illusion that it is being equitable. To give you an idea of how unfair the system is, consider that several studies have shown that a college football playoff would generate more money than the bowls. But since the proceeds from that wouldn’t be controlled by the BCS schools, rather by the NC2A, there might be a fairer sharing of the pot and therefore less money for the big boys. Hancock doesn’t want Congress involved, because it may provide a stunning first: Lawmakers agreement on something.

-EH-