A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN

If Adam Silver weren’t about nine feet tall, he would be the perfect Mini-Me for outgoing NBA commissioner Uncle David Stern. The two reportedly are on such a mental tether that Stern has no trepidations about bequeathing the marketing machine he nurtured to clean-pated Leviathan. If Silver adopts a Fuddian accent, the argument might be made that Stern simply had his brain transplanted into his successor’s melon and continues to rule the basketball world without having to travel, talk to Craig Sager or pretend that he cares about what goes on in Milwaukee.

No matter what happens during the 2013-14 season, the big NBA news is that Stern is stepping down on Feb. 1 after 30 years of directing sports’ most impressive global empire. (You don’t see any NFL games being played in China, do you?) Miami may win its third straight championship, and CarMElo Anthony might hijack the subplot with his will-he or won’t-he free agent rubbish, but Stern’s leaving is huge. When he took over, the NBA was just starting to flourish, thanks to Bird and Magic, but troubles lay ahead in the form of rampant Bolivian Marching Powder abuse and the Los Angeles Clippers.

Stern turned the game into a showcase of personalities. It was no longer Chicago against Boston; it was MJ versus Bird. He nurtured players’ endorsement deals and played TV to the max. In the process, league revenues soared, as did Stern’s imperious behavior. It’s time for him to move on, and by all accounts, Silver seems like a perfect replacement. As he begins his tenure atop the Association, a stew of stories simmers. As always, the NBA season will be a menagerie of personality disorders and decaying quality. But, hey, it beats the hell out of hockey, eh?

Free Agent Frenzy: What 6-foot, 9-inch man doesn’t grow up dreaming of being wooed with expensive meals and fawning attention from a list of suitors? Apparently, Anthony is not immune to the lure of that treatment and announced before the season began that he intends to enjoy every expensive steak and vintage bottle of wine NBA executives are willing to ply him with in the hopes of winning his affections. Although Anthony backed off a week or so later and said he wanted to recruit players to join him in New York – does that mean he will be handing out the roses? – he has assured that nearly every city he plays in this year will be ranked and rated as a possible destination. And speculation will be rampant. Talk about a good recipe for team success. El Hombre has said it before, and he’ll say it again: CarMElo will never win a title, and any team considering dropping $20 mil a year on him had better remember that. The Plague was less destructive than he can be.

Limited Orbit: Now that Dwight Howard has come to Houston, the Rockets are ready for liftoff! Or at least that’s how the league’s breathless narrative goes. The Spurs are old. (Tim Duncan’s last checkup was covered by his Medigap plan.) OK City is a player or two short of title contention, and the Clippers play no D. So, the NBA needs Houston to rise, and with Howard and James Harden on the roster, it could happen. But Howard has given us absolutely no reason over the past two seasons to believe he’s the kind of player capable of carrying a team to the title. He threw a temper tantrum in Orlando to secure his release and spent last year moaning about his role in the Laker offense. If you look at champions throughout history, a precious few of them have overcome rampant immaturity to win titles. Howard won’t join that elite group, despite the best promotional efforts of the league’s propaganda partners.

Show Me The Rubles: Brooklyn owner Mikhail Prokhorov will be paying something on the order of $87 million in luxury tax this year, thanks to the Nets’ acquisitions of Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce (and, to a lesser extent, Jason Terry and Andrei Kirilenko) in a bid for NBA primacy. For him, that’s less than the cost of another mineshaft in Talnakh, so big deal. And rumor has it he promised Kirilenko mining rights to Red Square in return for taking a discounted salary. The Brooklyn Codgers could be a lot of fun this year, or a skirmish could break out every night for possession of the basketball, which will find interested parties in Pierce, machine-gunning Joe Johnson, scoring point man Deron Williams and center Brook Lopez. Expected to keep this collection of avarice in check is first-year coach Jason Kidd, a great player but someone who hasn’t even been on the bench for a Biddy ball game. Those who don’t behave might just be playing north of the Arctic Circle in one of Prokhorov mining companies’ industrial leagues, where 23-hour nights bring new meaning to the term “Shooting the lights out.”

Stink, Tank, Stunk: Since many consider the 2014 NBA Draft the best since 2003, there is great impetus to earn a spot high up in the Lottery. In that pursuit, teams have jettisoned just about all their reasonably talented assets in the hopes of plummeting to the league’s lower reaches. Of course, if that kid in the bow tie shows up again representing Cleveland, all bets are off. And don’t be surprised if presumptive number one pick Andrew Wiggins magically ends up in Boston. What a stroke of good luck for the Celtics! Phoenix is so guaranteed a spot in the Western cellar that it is staging nightly productions of “The Cask of Amontillado.” The Sixers are so desperate to lose they might offer Allen Iverson a contract – and then let him to go A.C. and New York whenever he wants. If Boston trades Rajon Rondo, the Celtics might not be able to win a CYO league. Orlando is rotten. Sounds like a new NBDL division. Get your tickets now.

Fearless Forecast: It seems crazy to pick against the Heat, and El Hombre’s sanity is fully in tact. (Shaddup!) So, it’s Miami over OK City for the title in a three-time smackdown for the LeBron haters.

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EL HOMBRE SEZ: The hottest pre-Halloween photo was of the one year-old Kansas City-area boy whose parents dressed him up as Andy Reid. Adorable. But the couple should have gone all the way and sprinkled the kid’s mustache with barbecue sauce and donut crumbs…Seriously, though, Big Red has done a remarkable job with the Chiefs, leading them to an 8-0 record, all while doing a spot-on imitation of the Kool-Aid pitcher from the old commercials. Oh, yeah!!...The Red Sawx completed a worst-to-first run that ended Wednesday night in the first World Series clincher in Boston since 1918, or the last time some of the Sawx players shaved. The beards were nice for a while, but when the players started pulling the hidden-ball trick after concealing the horsehide in Mike Napoli’s chin shrubbery, things had gone too far…St. Louis wasn’t able to win it all, but the Cardinals shouldn’t worry. Their gentle fans are planning on throwing them a “Nice try” ticker-tape parade. Everybody gets a trophy for participating and a one-dollar credit at the snack bar. Wonder how the Gas House Gang would have taken to a crowd that cheers when a member of the home team grounds into a game-ending double play…If Alabama Nick Saban shows up on the sidelines of the BCS “national championship” game, does that mean we’ll have six more weeks of winter? Coach Grumpy was actually spotted smiling during practice last week, but veteran Sabanologists said that it was only gas…Kansas freshman Andrew Wiggins will reportedly be offered a $180,000 shoe contract by Adidas when he heads into the NBA after this season. Rumor has it Wiggins has been receiving anonymous phone calls from people taunting him for having to wait to get such a minuscule payment. Authorities were able to trace the calls to embedded Bluetooth devices in Maseratis registered in Lexington, KY…The NHL season is up and running, and highlight shows were abuzz Wednesday when Penguins forward Pascal Dupuis pulled his own tooth on the bench after absorbing a friendly-fire high stick from teammate Kris Letang. Great stuff. As for the action on the ice, it looks likezzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? Eagles coach Chip Kelly is so wedded to his college offensive system that he refuses to change, even though Sunday’s starting quarterback Nick Foles is a slower than a hot day at the DMV. Foles is no threat to run on an inside or outside zone read play, so defenders are loading up to stop LeSean McCoy, who has gained 103 yards on 33 carries (3.1 average) and scored no TDs in the Birds’ last two games, which have featured a total of four series by Michael Vick. Instead of admitting that he lacks a quarterback to run his scheme the way it needs to be operated, Kelly sticks stubbornly to it and is paying huge consequences. The Eagles remain one game back of Dallas in the NFC Island of Misfit Toys Division, but a loss Sunday at the costume party in Oakland could put them in a hole out of which they probably can’t climb. How about using a fullback, Chip? Or maybe asking the tight ends to block a little? Those who do not adapt are buried, and Sunday afternoon the Raiders may be digging a hole for the 2013 Eagles season.

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AND ANOTHER THING: That was quite a show staged by Dallas wideout Dez Bryant during the Cowgirls’ come-from-ahead loss to Detroit. While the man whom he had earlier compared himself to – favorably – was putting up 329 yards in receiving yards, Bryant was throwing temper tantrums on the bench. Although Bryant and others claimed later that he was exhorting his team to victory, that’s a little hard to swallow, given that he had to be separated from Jason Witten by DeMarcus Ware late in the game. Even if Bryant were passing on a positive message to teammates and coaches, his wild gesticulations and emphatic actions made him look like an immature team cancer. Given his history, Bryant needs to be doing it better and cleaner than the next guy. There’s no question he is talented, and maybe people did jump to conclusions about his message, but Bryant’s method of delivery made him look like a madman and a someone who couldn’t possibly be good for the team.

-EH-