The Wolf Is Wise

EL HOMBRE KNOWS SPORTS

There’s a wonderful scene in “Pulp Fiction,” in which The Wolf (played perfectly by Harvey Keitel) informs Vincent, Jules and Jimmie that they shouldn’t “start [patting each other on the back] quite yet,” after they get through the hardest part of cleaning up Marvin’s splattered brains inside Jules’ car.

Wolf didn’t say “patting each other on the back,” but since this mess strives to be relatively professional, that’s what you get. If you want the full quotation and don’t mind a profane metaphor, hit this site (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110912/quotes) and scroll down about two-thirds of the way. You won’t regret it.

Anyway, The Wolf’s message was that despite some early success, there was still some work to do to finish the job. And any sudden outbreak of complacency could prove catastrophic to the cause. That’s how it goes often in life: You might complete steps A-E and feel good about yourself, but those who can master F-H are the true winners.

Four NFL teams face the same predicaments Jules, Vincent, Jimmie and The Wolf encountered that morning in southern California. By reaching the conference finals, they have truly achieved something worthy of pride. Twenty-eight other professional football franchises would love to be in their positions, but they are figuring out where to watch the games this Sunday, rather than preparing to block out the recurring nightmare of pain felt by all players this time of year in order to perform at peak levels. That much is worthy of an ovation. For some, like The Wolf, it’s not enough. Reaching the playoffs in the NFL is tough. Winning a game is extremely difficult. Taking two? Brutal.

But there’s more to be done. The job must be finished, Feb. 1 in Tampa. Here’s a little exercise for you: Name the last five NFC title game losers. Or tackle the AFC’s runners-up. You can’t, because nobody remembers that kind of stuff. Each team had a great season. Accomplished a lot. Ultimately, in a sport that doesn’t throw parades for second place, they came up short. Losing a conference title game isn’t the same as going 4-12, but it isn’t the same as holding the Lombardi Trophy, either.

All of which brings us to the Philadelphia Eagles, whose arrival at this point in football history is borderline remarkable, given the dreary state of the team in mid-November, when it wallowed in the misery of a 5-5-1 performance that all but assured another season (three in the last four) without a playoff appearance and appeared to signal the end of Donovan McNabb’s and Andy Reid’s stays in town. The Phillies’ World Series title had led some to aver that the baseball team “had taken the town” from the Birds, a condition which brought glee to those who had grown tired of the professional football ethos and its grip on the town. The specter of a 2009 season without several veterans (Jon Runyan, Tra Thomas, Brian Dawkins, L.J. Smith), along with McNabb and Reid was grimmer than a whole mailbox filled with 401(k) statements.

You know what happened next. A 4-1 close. A miraculous final Sunday that included improbable losses by the Bucs and Bears (a Congressional subcommittee’s investigation is pending) and a savage beat-down of Me-O, False Face, Mr. Jessica Simpson and the rest of Armenia’s Team. First-round playoff success against the QB-less Vikings. A Divisional victory over He-Cry Manning and the fumbling Jints that might just bring Plaxico Earp back to the team.

And now, the Cardinals.

If there’s any team that’s just “happy to be here,” it’s Arizona, which has scribes combing old-folks homes throughout the nation for surviving members of the franchise’s last championship team back in 1947, hoping to find someone with a memory long enough to recall that icy day at Comiskey Park when the Cards captured the title. No matter how hard ‘Zona tries to convince us its goal is a Super Bowl title, everybody associated with the one-time laughingstock is absolutely flabbergasted it has advanced this far. Here’s betting the Cards are ignoring The Wolf’s advice and have been “patting each other on the back” for the past six days, ever since they bum-rushed the Panthers and Jake Delhomme in Charlotte. Delhomme was so bad, it was as if he were auditioning for the Lions’ QB job or thought he could deduct interceptions from his income tax return as charitable contributions.

There is no such “back-patting” in Philadelphia. Not with this fan base. Nobody’s happy to be there, no matter how hard the media looks for grade-school pep rallies, photographs displaced Eagles fans in the desert or prints “head-to-head matchups of Philadelphia and Phoenix. “Best Sandwich – Philadelphia: Cheesesteak; Phoenix: Southwestern Tex-Mex Chipotle Cactus Wrap. Edge: Philly.” Despite the improbable turnaround, no one here is allowing himself to be too content. A bad performance Sunday will erase everything good that has happened to this point. McNabb will go from franchise QB to giant question mark. Reid’s play-calling and clock management will be called into question. Fans will line up with straight razors, hoping to dry-shave owner Jeffrey Lurie’s ridiculous playoff beard. (Come to think of it, many Philly fans would like to do that, win or lose.)

From here on, it’s about the Trophy. Everybody remains amazed the team made it this far, but that doesn’t mean anybody is satisfied with the accomplishment. Win it all, and there will be much rejoicing and forgiving of previous transgressions. Lose, even in the Super Bowl, and the daggers will fly. It may seem odd to some, but when you’re playing in your fifth NFC title game in eight years, happy-to-be-here doesn’t cut it. That 5-5-1 start might as well have happened during the Clinton Administration, because there is only one suitable outcome from this point: A Super Bowl championship. No one can guarantee it will happen, but don’t try to feed this bunch moral victories. Those go down as smoothly as a double shot of syrup of ipecac.

So, channel The Wolf, Eagles. No “back-patting” until Feb. 1. Then we can all join in.

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El Hombre staggered to a 2-2 mark last week and sits at 5-3 for the post-season. A rally is needed, and it begins Sunday: Eagles (minus-4) 27, Cardinals 20; Steelers (minus-6) 9, Ravens 4.

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EL HOMBRE SEZ: El Hombre’s shoulders sagged, and his normally indomitable spirit dropped when he read the following news dispatch Friday morning: “Giving in to the youth movement in college basketball recruiting, the NCAA has decreed that seventh graders are now officially classified as prospects.” The reason for the move was the growing number of coaches’ working elite middle-school hoops camps (!) in order to make contact with the youngsters. If you look closely, you can see Death, Famine, Pestilence and Destruction riding toward us…BALCO Bonds’ attorneys are trying to prevent prosecutors from entering blood and urine samples allegedly belonging to Bonds taken from the Bay Area Lab Co-Operative as evidence in the steroid freak’s perjury trial. Seems they tested positive for ‘roids. They also don’t want his former mistress to testify about changes she saw in his body during the time. Apparently, she wants to mention something rhymes with “drunken mesticles” and “hack tacne.” Whether his mouthpieces prevail or not, Bonds has zero shot at the Hall of Fame…Generalissimo Knight and Billy Packer have announced they will host an NC2A tournament show from a Vegas sports book. Forget the obvious hypocrisy of two former coaches talking college sports in the nation’s gambling hub. More important is this early line: It’s 1:5 that they’ll annoy everybody who tunes in…Congratulations to new Lions coach Jim Schwartz. Guess that food tasting job for Iranian president Ahmadinejad was filled…If you want some belly laughs, check in from time to time on the (unintended) comedy stylings of espn Ombudsman Le Ann Schreiber, who has the unsavory job of defending Steven Naismith, explaining the network’s nauseating self-promotion and trying to get people to believe that the four-letter folks don’t want to be the story every day. The old USSR propaganda ministers didn’t have it so tough.

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YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? Since pitchers and catchers report to Clearwater in 27 days (yee-ha!), Philadelphia fans had better direct a bit of attention to the local nine, which learned Thursday it had an MLB-high eight players file for arbitration. The big names, of course, are Ryan Howard and Cole Hamels, but don’t expect the Phils to treat them similarly. Howard received a $10 million award last year, when the club chose to approach his arbitration hearing delicately, figuring no one would decide to throw that much cash at the big man. This season, expect the team to bring out the big evidence, like his strikeouts, shaky glove at first and prolonged periods of horrible hitting. There’s no way they want to get caught paying $17-20 million this year, no matter how strong Howard’s numbers were last year or how much he meant in September to the team. The Phils don’t want to lose this one, so expect some hard feelings. As for Hamels, the team had better be quite deferential. In fact, now is the time to sign him to a long-term deal, even if the team owns his rights for another four years. The Phils angered Hamels last year with a renewed contract for $500,000 he considered a “low blow.” After watching him pitch in the post-season, the Phils should realize they need to make this guy happy. Really happy. So, lock him up for seven years and $55-60 million, Ruben Amaro. You’ll be happy you did it.

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AND ANOTHER THING: Those of you hoping the fuming of Utah coach Kyle Whittingham and USC boss Pete Carroll, combined with some blustery statements made by governors and senators and even the personal preference of our new president will make a bit of difference in the quest to get rid of sports’ most ridiculous system, the BCS, forget about it. At the American Football Coaches Association convention earlier this week in Nashville, I-A coaches were strongly against any changes in the current system for two reasons. First, they said that this year was so ambiguous, given the credentials of Florida, Utah, ‘SC and Texas that a “plus-one” championship game system after the bowls wouldn’t have solved anything. Second, they like having 34 “winners” after the season, instead of a tournament to choose one champion. The sad thing is that a tourney would do nothing to devalue the Armed Services Bowl or its minor brethren, since winners of those games aren’t even considered in the upper echelons of football. Still, the coaches have spoken. So, don’t expect any changes. And remember, Florida isn’t the “national champion.” Urban Meyer’s team is the “BCS national champion.” There is a difference.

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