Of No More Use

EL HOMBRE KNOWS SPORTS


At first blush, the proclamation sounded as if it fit right into a normal news broadcast. espn was letting us know that a tantalizing college football rumor that had caused quite an uproar in South Bend and its concentric circles of yahoo fan-dom was so obscure that its staff hadn’t heard about it. If that were the case, this must be on the absolute down-low.

Only that wasn’t the case. Turns out, it was reported in a blog by New York Daily News Jets beat writer Rich Cimini. Perhaps you’ve heard of the paper. Has more than 700,000 readers. Can be found on newsstands everywhere in the nation’s biggest city. And guess what? The item was also published on SI.com, in its “Truth and Rumors” section. So, when espn proclaimed the rumor to be arcane, it was doing so out of ignorance and arrogance. The former was due to its poor research; the latter a by-product of its belief that if it isn’t reported first (or at least stolen from someone else and passed off as espn’s own) by the “Worldwide Leader” it doesn’t matter. Guess when you only read the Hartford Courant you miss out on a few things. Perhaps a few of El Hombre’s interns should be dispatched to Bristol to show ‘em how it’s done, or at least spruce the place up a bit.

Anyway, the juicy tidbit had to do with a certain football coach saddled with excessive avoirdupois. Notre Dame’s Charlie “Heavy C” Weis had created a “weird vibe” around the football offices and was due for termination after the national signing day. His replacement? None other than Jon Gruden, who won a Super Bowl with Tony Dungy’s club and then coached just well enough to keep his job – but win no playoff games – before the Bucs dumped him last week. Gruden, you may remember, was ND’s top choice for its job when the bastion of academia showed its true colors by dumping Ty Willingham after just three seasons. Gruden said no. So did Urban Meyer, Bob Stoops and Joe Kuharich’s grandson. Enter Heavy C, who snowed the Irish enough with a strong first year – accomplished with Willingham’s players – to grab a 47-year extension and perpetual line-cutting rights at the training table.

A Fighting Irish spokesman dismissed the rumor as preposterous, and it does seem rather ridiculous. What kind of a school would let prospective student-athletes think they were going to play for one coach and then pull the old bait-and-switch? Of course, given the way the NC2A treats players these days, it’s a wonder schools aren’t allowed to grab the kids in the deep of night, drive them to a dungeon and force them to sign letters-of-intent after days of torture, sleep deprivation and “Clean Home” marathons. Then again, there are whispers that’s how Nick Saban gets his players.

Heavy C may be safe, but many assistant coaches around the country will suffer the very fate the Irish boss was alleged to be facing. With under two weeks until national signing day (Feb. 3), coaches are in rental cars, Red Roof Inns and living rooms around the country, making their final pitches in the hopes of landing commitments to dear, old State U. The vast majority of them will still have jobs once spring practice comes, but some will be fired after the prospects sign on the dotted line. And that’s a tragedy.

There’s nothing wrong with a head coach’s deciding to make some staff changes. That happens every season, although it’s much worse these days, as the big bosses try to save their backsides by blaming lack of prosperity on their lieutenants. If the cuts are made in late November or December, then the deposed assistants have the opportunity to find other work. When the guillotine falls in February, however, the situation is far less manageable – and more Machiavellian. Keeping a coach on the staff that long is – with few exceptions – done exclusively to keep committed recruits on the line and ready to sign. In some cases, the assistants know they’re toast, but if they do anything to jeopardize a commitment, they’ll be bad-mouthed throughout the coaching fraternity by their bosses and find it tough to get another job. In other cases, the victims continue apace, working hard to land prospects, only to find out they were on the way out the whole time.

Such is the life these days as an assistant college football coach. Although the money is getting more and more outlandish – reports were that Oklahoma State offered Miami defensive coordinator Bill Young 700 large to take the same job in Stillwater (he did) – the security is dissipating quickly. Forget loyalty; it’s about self-preservation. Wondering why some assistants have 20 jobs in 25 years? It’s not that they’re no good or nomadic by nature. In fact, they’re top-shelf coaches who realize that the old model of sticking with the same captain for 30 seasons doesn’t work anymore, because the commander doesn’t want devotion. Often, he wants scapegoats. So, the assistants relocate every season or two, the better to stay fresh in the eyes of their employer and make sure they always have work.

Those who get caught in a teetering head coach’s purge are cast into a job market that gets more crowded every year, as younger (and less expensive) mentors enter the fray, and experience counts for less and less. Assistants are willing to work long hours, spend weeks on the road kissing up to boneheaded 18-year olds and try to teach sophomore “general studies” majors the vagaries of the zone blitz. That’s all part of the job description. But getting dumped after closing the deal? That’s dirty pool. Heavy C may well be safe for another season, but he might be dumping a staff member this February. And he won’t be alone. Talk about something worth covering. Are you listening, espn, or are you too busy congratulating yourself on your most recent “exclusive?”

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EL HOMBRE SEZ: Lance Armstrong has been struggling during the Tour Down Under in Australia (duh), his first foray into cycling after his first “retirement.” He’s been having trouble with conditioning, the heat, high winds and even hovering helicopters. The biggest problem, however, has been a pack of French journalists who have been staking out the bathrooms he has been using…PETA has decided it doesn’t want Michael Vick to film a public-service announcement after he is released from Leavenworth in July and won’t support his reinstatement to the NFL. Turns out PETA wants Vick to undergo a brain scan and psychological profile, especially since learning he used family dogs to fight. Hmmm, sounds like he’s ready for the Raiders…About that new John Turturro Heineken commercial: Makes you want to grab a Beck’s…espn has decided it’s a good idea to pair Brent Musberger and Generalissimo Knight on college basketball broadcasts. Wonder if Knight will try to strangle Brent before the first jump ball. Why not put together a team of Hugo Chavez and Dick Vitale? That might be a little more annoying. Might…Classy move by UConn women’s coach Geno Auriemma, who left his starters in for most of a 107-53 win over Syracuse Saturday. Now there’s an educator…Now into its second rescue of the nation’s financial institutions, England dumped $634 million in public funds to help bail out its flailing construction efforts in advance of the 2012 London Summer Olympics. That ought to play well in the East End. Parliament had better beef up its security.

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YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? Donovan McNabb did not lose the NFC Championship game. Got that? He wasn’t perfect, especially during the last drive, but he threw for 375 yards, led a second-half comeback that put the Eagles in front and performed better than 90% of his teammates. The game was lost by the defense, which couldn’t pressure Kurt Warner in the first half and got fricasseed, and wasn’t able to step up in the fourth quarter. It was lost by dumb penalties, dropped passes and poor special teams play. Oh, Big Red and Genius Johnson got outcoached, too. McNabb wasn’t perfect, but he was part of a team that lost a game. Those who want to pin it on him, especially if they are media members, shouldn’t be allowed to comment on football again. This is an imperfect franchise with an overriding business philosophy that screams “Gold Standard” but plays at a runner-up level. It makes money but doesn’t bring in trophies. If you want to blame McNabb, go ahead. Just don’t try to get into any Mensa meetings.

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AND ANOTHER THING: Wake Forest lost to Clemson in college hoops Wednesday night, ending the Demon Deacons’ undefeated run and assuring that that basketball world will have another number one team next week. And the response from fans? So what? That’s the beauty of college basketball. The rankings mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!! There’s this radical thing at the end of the season called a “tournament.” Perhaps you have heard of the concept. The best teams in the country are matched against each other in an elimination series designed to find out the best – on the court. Voting doesn’t matter. Computers aren’t consulted. Old coaches and players who don’t pay attention to the game have no say. No one loves the college version of the prolate spheroid more than El Hombre, but the roundball folks have it right. So Wake Forest lost, and Duke (blechh!) might be number one next week? Call us on March 15, when the brackets are announced.

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