Despite all of the talk about how the NFL is a business and that its players are grown men capable of exploiting any weakness they find, it’s tough sometimes not to imagine the league as filled with kids who rode their bikes to the field after eating bowls of Cap’n Crunch and forgetting to brush their teeth.
In order to prepare his team better for Saturday’s playoff game in Seattle, New Orleans coach Sean Payton had the Seahawks’ logo painted on the Saints’ practice fields, in an attempt to “create the exact environment” his team will face in the Pacific Northwest. Given N.O.’s timid effort against the ‘Hawks in an earlier, 34-7 Monday Night loss, perhaps Payton should foregone the artwork and sprinkled testosterone powder on the turf, in the hopes the Saints would show up with a little bit of fight for Saturday’s playoff showdown.
Much has been made about the loud fans in Seattle. They broke the Guinness record for crowd noise twice during the season, which isn’t such a big deal, since that kind of uproar is replicated many times each year all over town, whenever the latte machine breaks at Starbucks. It’s curious that Seattle, a lovely city known more for its lush flora and fish-heaving merchants, is the loudest place in the NFL universe – the league’s vehement denials that concussions cause long-term brain problems notwithstanding. But Seahawks fans can indeed crank up the volume, and they fly their 12th Man flag proudly, while reveling in the illegal procedure penalties they force.
So, Payton has painted the field and will pipe in deafening crowd noise – or rebroadcasts of Jon Gruden’s MNF commentary. He might also want to set the scoreboards around the complex to 17-0, to remind the Saints about their first-quarter flop back in early December.
The NFL playoff preliminaries are over, and it’s time for the big hitters to step onto the stage. Andy Reid and his Chiefs are back in Beeftown, trying to figure out what went wrong in the second half against Indy. Green Bay is wishing its defense had as much bite against San Francisco as the icy wind that surged across the Lambeau tundra, and the Eagles are trying to manufacture some serious ire after a dream season that ended disappointingly but hardly disastrously. Meanwhile, in Cincinnati, the Bengals are wondering whether it’s possible to use Andy Dalton (team-record TD passes during 2013) during the regular season and somebody (anybody!) else during the playoffs (one TD, six ints. in three games).
By Sunday evening, the NFL will have found its Final Four and taken a step closer toward footballgeddon, i.e. an outdoor game in early February at Jimmy Hoffa’s crypt. There are no guarantees the game will be plagued by apocalyptic weather, but the Farmer’s Almanac predicts enough snow will fall to bury all of the five families. The league is prohibiting tailgating in the lots at Snoopy Stadium, a crushing blow to the trashcan fire industry and to those fans who prefer 19 inches of powder with their brats.
The biggest stars reside in the AFC, and just about everybody is hoping Denver and New England continue on their paths to the game Everybody Wants to See. Last year, Peyton Manning couldn’t handle his side of the deal in the Broncos’ home loss to Baltimore. This time, he gets a San Diego team that must keep winning, the better to keep its collective soul from joining Mephistopheles’ expansion franchise. Talk about lucky. A month ago, the Chargers looked ready for a housecleaning. Now, SD is on a roll. Meanwhile, the aptly named Andrew Luck and his Colts must visit Foxborough, about the only place besides Bridgeport and New Haven that spoils New England’s charm. It’s entirely appropriate that the team’s symbol is a horseshoe, although after last week’s choke-‘em-up by the Chiefs, Indy might want to add a rabbit’s foot, four-leaf clover, the number seven, the Voodoo Love Amulet and a picture of Tommy Allsup to its helmet.
The aforementioned Saints trip to Seattle heads the NFC slate, while San Francisco visits Carolina in an attempt to secure a title game date with the Seahawks and give Fox the chance to air a 30-minute retrospective on the Jim Harbaugh-Pete Carroll “What’s your deal?” feud. That might even be enough to wake up Terry Bradshaw.
Now that college football has left us, not to return for nearly eight interminable months and way too much Jim Nantz, the focus turns to the NFL. Let’s hope the remaining teams are able to fill the void with some entertaining action.
Here now the winners (As always, remember how much you paid for these picks): Seattle 24, New Orleans (+8) 20; San Francisco 23, Carolina (+2) 17; Denver 31, San Diego (+9.5) 17; New England 30, Indianapolis (+7) 20.
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EL HOMBRE SEZ: So, Louisville is welcoming back Bobby Petrino as its football coach. We’re talking about the guy who left town six months after signing a 10-year contract extension and later decided that the proper accessory on the back of a Harley was a blonde who wasn’t his wife. In a way, this is good news for college sports critics, who can now point to the exacta of Petrino and Rick “Quick Draw” Pitino as exhibit A of how sleazy the whole process has become. Good luck with that, Cardinals, and El Hombre will set the over/under on seasons before Petrino leaves town at 3.5. Here’s a tip: take the under…Now that the flood of underclassmen’s declaring for the NFL Draft has begun, we will be blessed with four months of mock selections that promote the event and generally have the same level of accuracy as Congressional budget estimates. Congratulations to the NFL for creating a big something out of practically nothing…In a related story, pro football teams had better pay close attention to the psychological profiles of the players in this year’s draft, the better to avoid choosing someone like Aaron Hernandez, who this week was named in a 2012 double homicide. That brings the total of murders in which he has been implicated to four. But, hey, the guy could really catch the football…The NBA has fined J.R. Smith 50 large for trying to untie the shoelaces of Detroit’s Greg Monroe, one game after Smith was warned for untying Shawn Marion’s shoes. What the league should do is make the nitwit sit in the corner for an entire game, the better to demonstrate his juvenile tendencies and shame him into acting like a professional. What’s next, trying to pants someone during a jump ball?...UTEP has dismissed three men’s basketball players for gambling, and the NCAA has suspended them from competition for at least a year. The players didn’t wager on any Miners games but did admit to betting that nobody would care that they were tossed off the team…In soccer news, the NASL’s Fort Lauderdale Strikers traded midfielder Walter Restrepo to the San Antonio Scorpions in return for “free lodging and transportation during Fort Lauderdale’s two road trips to San Antonio in 2014.” In a related story, the Jacksonville Jaguars tried to trade all of their players to anybody at all for a bag of used game socks…Reports from across the pond bring news that golfer Rory McIlroy proposed to tennis star girlfriend Caroline Wozniacki on New Year’s Eve. The wedding has been postponed, however, until one of them wins anything of consequence…Lance Armstrong insists that one of the reasons the USADA and other athletic governing bodies went after him so vigorously was that he “was a bigger a-hole” than others. Sounds about right. Self-awareness is a first big step toward getting better, Lance.
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YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? Now that the Eagles season has fizzled to an ending, and the off-season contract hysteria can begin, it’s time for Philadelphia fans to turn their attention to the Phillies and what could be a hugely disappointing season. (Hey, at least all the players are recognizable!) Before anybody throws or hits a pitch, however, there is the issue of Wednesday’s broadcasting team shakeup to address. Chris Wheeler and Gary Matthews are out, victims of the team’s new 25-year, $2.5 billion deal with Comcast SportsNet, which now has editorial control over the team’s broadcasts. The topic here is not that Wheels can’t talk about “middle-in” pitches or Sarge won’t be “hopping into the Cadillac” anymore, but that Tom McCarthy will be the voice of the team heading forward. McCarthy is likeable and competent, but he is the broadcasting equivalent of a carnival barker, and his non-stop shilling for the team distracts from the game action. It’s one thing to be pro-Phillies and another to do work that would have been considered over the top by Pravda editors. It’s interesting that the Comcast folks took offense to Wheeler and Matthews while considering McCarthy the rightful heir to Harry Kalas. But that’s what happens when you wield the big checkbook.
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AND ANOTHER THING: After the new Hall of Fame inductees were announced Wednesday afternoon (a big “tough luck” goes out to BALCO Bonds, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire and the rest of the steroid crowd), it was revealed that ESPN host and Miami Herald columnist Dan Le Batard gave control his HOF ballot to the web site Deadspin, which directed him to vote for Bonds, Clemens and Jeff Bagwell, among others. Le Batard said that he was hoping to make a statement about the need for reform in the voting process, but he could have been far more eloquent by surrendering his right to choose than by giving Deadspin a promotional boost and sullying the Hall. Here’s hoping Le Batard is stripped of his privilege and looked at sideways by any team, league or school from which he asks for a credential. Journalists are supposed to report and comment on the news, not become the news. That’s a 101 level lesson and something Le Batard should consider the next time he wants to grandstand.
-EH-
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