EL
HOMBRE KNOWS SPORTS
When
Warden Rudolph Hazen asked Paul “Wrecking” Crewe how his football team of
guards could prepare for its upcoming season, Crewe has a simple solution:
A
tune-up game.
You
know, find a young, hungry team to square off against and get ready for the
tilts that matter.
“How do you think we’d do against the pros?”
Hazen asks.
“That
team against the pros?” Crewe responds.
“Yeah.”
“Well,
you’d have a real problem.”
“Well,
how do you think we’d do against the cons?”
A
game is scheduled, hijinks ensue, and Ray Nitschke’s character has some
problems with his, um, equipment. If you haven’t seen “The Longest Yard” (the
1974 version, not the lesser, ’05 remake), do so at your earliest convenience.
But El Hombre isn’t going to spoil the outcome here.
The
guards may not have had their team honed to “a fine edge” in the contest, but
they did get a tune-up, just like NFL teams do when they saunter through their
four-game exhibition season. The problem is that as time goes on, and regular
players get fewer and fewer serious reps in those “competitions”, that month
run-up to the Real Thing proves to be less fruitful each season.
Take
the first week of the ’18 NFL campaign, which keeping with El Hombre’s movie
theme could well have been entitled “The Big Sleep”. If the 16 curtain-raising
contests presented by the country’s official Church of Sport were meant to be fully
formed football offerings, then the league fell far short of its goal. Not even
the blindest fan could have slogged through week one and had a good feeling
about the caliber of ball he just witnessed. Between the penalties, turnovers
and other assorted gaffes, the NFL’s membership looked less prepared than did
Maximum Leader’s UCLA squad in its debut face-plant against Cincinnati in the
Rose Bowl.
A
simple survey of the “action” revealed a league in need of a serious pre-season
reboot. Maybe the number of exhibition games should be reduced to two, with
productive inter-squad scrimmages’ replacing the other half of the tune-up
schedule. Perhaps the league must mandate a certain amount of time played by
healthy regulars during the four contests, which of course could lead to some
quite creative injury list entries. It won’t be easy, and it will require some
heavy-duty bargaining with the players, but if the NFL wants to stem the TV
ratings slide and prevent the Real Point Guards of the NBA reality series from
supplanting it in the sacred 25-to-42 demographic, a solution must be found to
prevent another premiere week like the one we just endured.
How
bad was it? Well, the NFL started it all off last Thursday with the Super Bowl
champion Eagles’ hosting those Atlanta Falcons, whose offensive woes inside
opponents’ 20-yard lines could just force the team to get rid of red as one of
its primary colors. After the city’s 99th celebration of the win
over Captain Hoodie and Dreamy Tom, the teams went about the business of
committing so many penalties that the U.S. Congress is thinking of changing
Flag Day from June 14 to Sept. 6 to commemorate the blizzard of markers. The
whole thing was uglier than a Phyllis Diller look-alike contest.
Two
days later, Pittsburgh and Cleveland presented their Ode to Medusa with a
surreal tie that featured the Le’Veon Bell-less Stillers’ blowing a
two-touchdown lead with a pair of crippling turnovers. The teams spent the last
portion of the game and the 10-minute overtime blowing field goals, committing
mindless penalties (El Hombre is talking to you, Myles Garrett) and throwing
ill-advised deep balls (ditto: Tyrod Taylor). The resulting tie was the Clowns’
best season-opening performance since 2004, a condition that should lead
management to consider exhuming franchise founder Paul Brown and seeing if he
can be reanimated and dispatched to the sidelines.
Tampa
Bay, which was thought to be as barren as the Bonneville Salt Flats, suddenly
channeled Sarah against the vaunted Saints and proved to be fecund indeed. The
Bucs posted a 48-40 win over N’Awlins, a team some “experts” (shaddup!) believe
has Super Bowl aspirations. Hirsute QB Ryan Fitzpatrick, he of the Harvard
pedigree and losing NFL record, blasted through the generous Saints D, giving
new meaning to the term “Big Easy”. It may have been fun to watch the teams’
tribute to the old Western Athletic Conference, but as an example of solid
football, it was quite lacking.
There
were other lowlights. Dallas’ offense looked like it had the same weapons as
the Lichtenstein armed forces. Tennessee and Miami played a 42-hour game in
which the biggest highlights were lightning strikes near the stadium. And how
about the first game of the Monday Night doubletorture? The Lions showed how
happy they were with new coach Matt Patricia – whom the Pats let walk, unlike
other coordinator Josh McDaniels – by unfurling a fetid performance in all four
stages of the game: offense, defense, special teams and uniforms. If Detroit
isn’t careful, it could be relegated to the SEC. In the Monday nightcap,
Chuckie’s new club lived up to the franchise’s revamped catchphrase,
“Commitment to Excrement”, in a desultory loss to the Rams, who still haven’t
realized that their helmets and uniforms don’t match.
Yep,
it was a dynamite start to the 2018 season. Only 16 more weeks of madness to
come.
* *
*
EL HOMBRE SEZ: Forbes rated the “most
valuable” college football programs and found that Texas A&M was number
one, based on profits and revenue. It sure wasn’t for championships, which have
been scarce in College Station for the past 20 years. Nothing like profiting on
fans’ passions without providing a reasonable return on the investment. Gig
‘em? More like Stick it to ‘em!...What were the Angels thinking when they
allowed Shohei Ohtani to pitch earlier this month? Last week, news broke that
Ohtani needed Tommy John surgery, which many reported was necessary much
earlier this summer. LA was way out of the playoff hunt when it sent Ohtani to
the mound Sept. 2. Instead of taking care of the issue months ago, now Ohtani
won’t be operated on until October at the earliest. With an 18-month recovery
time, that puts him back on the mound in early 2020, at best. Had he undergone
the procedure in June or July, he would have been ready for the full ’20
season. Poor judgment, for sure…Reports out of Houston have Chris Paul, James
Harden and CarMElo Anthony playing pickup ball together, in order to build
chemistry necessary to play together this year without killing each other. No
homicides have been reported, but anybody who expects this trio of ball-hungry
players to coexist successfully probably thinks J.R. Smith made the right move
in Game One of the Finals. Houston, we don’t have a problem. We have a
potential catastrophe…While celebrating his team’s sole touchdown in its 41-7
loss to NC State by high-fiving and fist-bumping players, head coach Shawn
Elliott tore his right biceps and has to have surgery. How long until the NC2A
comes up with a rule outlawing sideline celebrations? Don’t laugh. It’s just
the type of thing that ridiculous athletic cabal would try to do. Meanwhile,
Pope Urban VI returns to the sidelines next Saturday. In related news, the Ohio
State Board of Trustees okayed yellowcake uranium as an appropriate dessert
option in dormitory cafeterias.
* *
*
AND ANOTHER THING: There is no doubt
sexism exists in the tennis world. The differences between men’s and women’s
prize money are profound, and last year we learned that Martina Navratilova was
being paid a tenth of what John McEnroe was by the BBC for commentary at
Wimbledon. When women get angry on the court, they are “shrill”. When men act
out, they are “fierce competitors”. El Hombre gets it. But absolving Serena
Williams of any guilt for her behavior during the U.S. Open final against Naomi
Osaka is wrong. She did break the rules, and the ITF defended the official who
disciplined her. Further, her coach admitted that he was coaching Williams,
even though she berated the official to the contrary. And during the broadcast,
Chris Evert said the coach’s hand signals were directing Williams to go to the
net. Worse, Williams’ behavior detracted from the huge moment Osaka enjoyed by
winning the tournament. And let’s not forget that Osaka had won the first set
resoundingly, 6-2, and was only losing, 1-0, in the second. She clearly had
more energy and snap in the early stages of the match. Williams is a remarkable
tennis force and an all-time great athlete – regardless of sport – but she was
not a complete victim at the Open, and people have to realize that.
* *
*
WORLDWIDE DECEIVER: Anybody who
believes espn is in the business first and foremost of presenting the sports
world in an objective format should review the brouhaha between the company and
the University of Washington/Pac-12 Conference. It began last year, when the
network’s broadcast team mocked the Huskies’ non-conference schedule on-air by
arraying cupcakes on the field. It continued this season when play-by-play man
Mark Jones tweeted “Washington Huskies took one on the chin. Where’s Montana?”
after U-Dub’s season-opening loss to Auburn, a reference to last year’s light
season-opening fare. Neither action was received well by the school or the
league, which are hoping for full support from their propaganda partner. The
worst part of the imbroglio came when the Seattle
Times published comments from espn VP Nick Dawson that expressed how
disappointing Jones’ comment was and how discussions between the company and
the Pac-12 during the summer had been “a great example of how a partnership
can/should work on both sides”. Further, Dawson said Jones will not be assigned
to any more Washington games. God forbid somebody hurts the school’s feelings.
Worse, the Times reported that members of the Pac-12 had convened at the Death
Star in Bristol during the summer to discuss ways espn could promote the
conference more effectively. Sounds like a real journalistic outfit to El
Hombre. Let’s hope nobody else from espn says anything that is mean and hurtful
regarding Pac-12 teams, like bringing up the league’s 1-7 bowl record last
season or the fact that it will likely be left out of the college football
playoff again this year. We don’t want anybody to be upset.
* *
*
YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? A couple
weeks ago, El Hombre told you the Phillies’ season was over and that GM Matt
Klentanalytics and manager King Pollyanna had better take a hard look at a
lineup that can’t hit and a pitching staff short on reliable arms over the long
haul. The team’s recent 4-13 swoon and collapse in the standings shows this
team cannot be allowed to move forward without significant upgrades. Phillies fans
better not be fooled by an off-season of happy highlights from June and July.
The last month-plus of the season revealed this team’s true character, and it
must be changed for 2019. So, beware of the good times nonsense that will
emanate from the executive suite and broadcast booth in the coming months.
Should the organization stand pat, it can count on huge indifference in 2019, as
fans wait for what they consider an inevitable collapse. There should be two
untouchable players on the team: Rhys Hoskins and Aaron Nola. Everybody else is
in play.
* *
*
ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD: Due to Important
Stuff and the need to clear his tormented – but brilliant – mind, El Hombre is
taking a brief, one-week hiatus from creating sports magic but will return the
week of Sept. 24. It’s going to be dynamite. Huge. You’ll see.
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